Good Dads Honor Moms: The Best Mother’s Day Ever

May 10, 2012 By 2 Comments

 

I didn’t talk to your mom or your kids’ mom, but I do have some wisdom from a group of ladies who are probably a lot like the moms in your life. Our staff asked these moms, “What happened on your best Mother’s Day ever?”

Here’s what we learned: Gifts are fine, but most of all, a mom wants to know that her kids have thought about her. We heard quite a few specific ways to show that.

When it comes to honoring your mother, your efforts can be less about gifts and more about time—brunch, dinner, coffee together, or just time catching up, even if it’s over the phone.

Your children’s mother is another story. Our panel of moms gave us some great ways kids (and husbands) have honored them, but again, it’s mostly about knowing that her kids thought about how to appreciate her and make her feel special. Often, the best part for mom is seeing the expressions of love in the kids’ handwriting, or the excited look on the kids’ faces as they present her with that unique, handmade card, or that breakfast only they (and Dad) can fix.

Here are some specific ideas from this panel of moms:

  • A whole weekend (or at least a whole day) of being served, with other family members taking over all mom’s household responsibilities: cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. Washing her car and other special things are welcome too.
  • An album of family photos or a mother-kids portrait.
  • Singing  a special song for mom. (A surprising number of moms mentioned this.)
  • Freedom! … from whining kids, from being needed for little things, from dealing with sibling conflicts, from a noisy house, from “Honey, have you seen my …?”; freedom to rest and not feel guilty.
  • Time to spend with her mom.
  • A handmade coupon book of small favors to be done for Mom: a massage, doing the dishes, hugs and kisses, etc.
  • A family activity together: planting the garden, attending an event she enjoys, a picnic, etc.
  • A big block of time where she can do what she wants, uninterrupted.

You probably noticed that some ideas definitely don’t fit with others: Some moms want to celebrate with family activities; others want a break from responsibilities for a day. So, in order to really know what she wants, ask her! Every mom is different (and sometimes we dads miss obvious cues), so find out what makes her truly feel honored, and then let that guide your plans for Sunday. Just make sure your kids are actively involved in the whole process.

Are you no longer married to your child’s mother? Make sure you still help your children find ways to honor her. Here are some ideas.

Here are a few more Action Points for giving your kids’ mom the best Mother’s Day ever. Please share some ideas of your own below or at our Facebook page.

●   Consider starting a new Mother’s Day tradition based on what Mom told you she enjoys most.

●   Reinforce for your children why it’s important to honor their mother all the time—not just this Sunday.

●   Take your children to see their grandmother and let them hear her stories about when you (and/or their mom) were a child.

●   Choose a day several months from now to thank your kids’ mom again for all she does. Set a reminder for yourself so you’ll make sure and follow through.

 

Carey CaseyCarey Casey is the CEO of the National Center for Fathering, a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the culture of fathering in America by enlisting 6.5 million fathers who to make the Championship Fathering Commitment. NCF believes that every child needs a dad they can count on, and uses its resources to inspire and equip men to be the involved fathers, grandfathers and father figures their children need. Subscribe to his weekly email tip by clicking here: “Yes! I want tips on how to be a great dad who loves, coaches, mentors, and inspires my children.

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Be a Good Father by “Going Deep” with Your Kids

May 3, 2012 By 3 Comments

 

Just about every week, there’s another story in the news about some tragedy. A school shooting. A suicide or drug overdose by a celebrity, musician or athlete. An act of desperation or irresponsibility by a parent. Violence at youth sports.

Whenever I see those stories, the first thought that comes to mind is, Where were the fathers? A large percentage of the time, I look into the situation and see that there was a lack of influence from responsible fathers and father figures. I truly believe that a father makes a difference, and that his guidance, protection, and affirmation will help his kids do well in life and avoid major pitfalls. The research backs that up.

The rest of the cases—the tragedies carried out by people who did have present fathers—are perhaps even more unsettling. Time and again I knock my head up against one of the great mysteries of fatherhood: sometimes great dads have children who struggle, and sometimes children raised without a dad—or raised by largely uninvolved fathers—grow up to be well-adjusted, outstanding citizens and leaders.

Fatherhood isn’t brain surgery, but it does rest on a wide range of variables. Being a dad is part art, part science, but mostly an act of faith. So how can we make sense of all of this and do our best as dads? My suggestion: Embrace both sides of the paradox.

On one side, there are no guarantees our children will turn out the way we want. There are many variables we cannot control, and the biggest one is that our children will make their own choices. Eventually, we’ll have to make peace with the notion that our kids are their own people. They will likely make decisions that could cost us money, energy and/or embarrassment. They are responsible for those poor choices, so it won’t seem fair. We don’t deserve that kind of humiliation, right?

We need to father our kids with a lot of grace. Even if we’re committed fathers, we aren’t perfect, and since none of us can see we did everything right, we have no reason to expect perfection from our kids. And when they do mess up, that’s where our true commitment as dads is tested. We need to hang in there and keep believing in them. Don’t ever give up! No matter what your child has done, you have to trust that the roots that you worked so hard to establish are still there. Keep the door open and the light on because that might be the only light they have.

The other side of the paradox—which we must never forget—is that as fathers, our actions do have a significant influence on our children. While we can’t guarantee that our children will lead a responsible life, we can greatly increase the odds that they will. We should give fathering the best of our energies, make our children’s schedules and family activities a high priority, and seek to be a life-giving contributor to the entire household. These are wise investments.

To be more specific, from our research, a dad can give his best for his kids by practicing the fundamentals of Championship Fathering—loving them, coaching them, and modeling for them.

One phrase I have used to help apply those fundamentals is go deep. Our dedication to be good fathers must run deep in our lives. It means we’re willing to address tough issues with our kids. We are not sitting on the sidelines and letting Mom handle difficult situations by herself. And we aren’t assuming our kids will get information they need on their own, or that we can always trust them to stay out of trouble.

No, going deep means having those involved discussions about issues of faith, or about sex or drugs. It means staying aware of what they’re into and talking to them about any danger signs we see. It means taking a stand and sometimes laying down consequences.

Dads, we have good reasons to invest our very best in our children, despite this puzzling, often frustrating mystery that only God can comprehend. We all need to faithfully apply our best efforts and humbly allow the rest to remain a mystery, trusting that we can have a positive impact on what kind of people our children turn out to be.

Here are some Action Points to help you invest in your children. Please share some ideas of your own below or at our Facebook page.

  • Involve yourself in an activity that your child enjoys, even if it isn’t your favorite. Really invest yourself in figuring out what your child likes about it.
  • What activity serves as a bonding activity for you and your child—maybe something unique that just seems to work for you? It might be summer evenings at the lake, trips for ice cream, or time together doing a hobby. Please share it below or at our Facebook page, and make sure you make time for it regularly.
  • Make it a priority for your family to eat dinner together at least 3-4 times each week. Those can be great conversation and value-sharing times.
  • Remember that many kids out there are making poor decisions, for any number of reasons, and often it takes someone outside their families to really get through to them. Take a chance and encourage another child who needs a positive father figure.
  • Take our Championship Fathering Profile to assess how you’re doing as a dad and find out more about each fundamental.

 

Carey Casey is the CEO of the National Center for Fathering, a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the culture of fathering in America by enlisting 6.5 million fathers who to make the Championship Fathering Commitment. NCF believes that every child needs a dad they can count on, and uses its resources to inspire and equip men to be the involved fathers, grandfathers and father figures their children need. Subscribe to his weekly email tip by clicking here: “Yes! I want tips on how to be a great dad who loves, coaches, mentors, and inspires my children.

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Be a Good Father: Share Your Work World with Your Kids

April 26, 2012 By 1 Comment

 

Did you take your child to work this week?

If you did, fantastic! I hope, for your child, it was much more than just a fun day away from school where he or she played games on your computer while you got work done. I encourage you to embrace your role in giving your child a healthy view of work. Helping your child understand what you do, and why, helps plant seeds for future career decisions.

Be a Good Father: Share Your Work World with Your KidsWhether or not it’s on the official day, your child will benefit from hearing your view of life in the business world. Share with her the things you do, how you do them, and how you are providing for your family’s needs.

Ultimately, we should be involved in shaping our children as future workers. The point is not to push them toward some dream we have for them, but to help them discover ways their unique gifts might translate into a career someday.

It’s important to keep this in mind: Children who are given opportunities to explore a wide variety of interests and hobbies are more likely to get involved in a job they love. As they grow, we can help them identify and apply their talents.

Here are 8 action points to help you shape your child’s career decisions:

  • Help your child brainstorm about career possibilities—and don’t wait until high school.  Help him match up his interests with a certain line of work. If he likes music, point out that there’s much more to it than performing. He could be a sound technician, or a producer, a composer or a radio executive. Use the library or Internet to expand his horizons.
  • Expose your child to jobs that might interest her. Take her to meet someone who has that job, and encourage her to keep in touch. Take a tour, and ask lots of questions about the process of turning out a product or performing a service. Help her discover what it’s really like before she spends years finding out it isn’t what she thought.
  • Point out less visible occupations—like airplane mechanic, surveyor, social worker, computer programmer, or restaurant manager. Help them see that there’s more than the firefighters, nurses, police officers, or professional athletes that kids commonly see and idolize.
  • Try not to talk negatively about your work. You communicate a lot about work when you get home. Those comments under your breath make a big impression, and shape your child’s ideas about work. How do your words reflect your attitudes about work? Do your children hear you talk about the joys of meeting a challenge, and the privilege of earning a living at something you enjoy? Or are you always griping and complaining? Do all you can to stay positive.
  • Keep dreams alive. Some children do grow up to be sports stars, but they could also be a coach, sports journalist, or play-by-play announcer. Some actually become movie stars, but the movie industry also needs lighting technicians, screenwriters, set designers, make-up artists, and so on. Encourage your children’s dreams and you may be surprised where it leads.
  • Help your child see the opportunities in front of her. If she likes to skate, for example, she could be a teacher’s assistant or get a part time job at the rink. Show your child that there are jobs that involve the things they enjoy.
  • Encourage an entrepreneurial spirit. Those baby-sitting and lawn mowing jobs teach your kids that time and effort have their rewards. Even young children can begin to learn this by helping at your summer garage sale. Sure, not every lemonade stand will be a huge success, but those setbacks can be even more valuable learning opportunities. Why didn’t it work? What could he do differently next time? Lemonade stand lessons at age eight can still be used at twenty-eight.
  • Help your child choose a career for the right reasons. There are many wrong reasons. Money can’t buy lasting satisfaction. Fame is fleeting. And even though it may be gratifying to see a child follow your career path, it’s much more important that he choose something that matches his own gifts and interests.

Your child may or may not follow in your vocational footsteps, but it’s likely that she will imitate your values and attitudes about work. That may be a bigger responsibility than whatever is waiting for you in your inbox.

I know some of you are equipping your kids in other ways. Please share your and comments below or at our Facebook page.

 

Carey CaseyCarey Casey is the CEO of the National Center for Fathering, a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the culture of fathering in America by enlisting 6.5 million fathers who to make the Championship Fathering Commitment. NCF believes that every child needs a dad they can count on, and uses its resources to inspire and equip men to be the involved fathers, grandfathers and father figures their children need. Subscribe to his weekly email tip by clicking here: “Yes! I want tips on how to be a great dad who loves, coaches, mentors, and inspires my children.

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Be a Good Dad by Discussing Drug Use with Your Kids

April 19, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Friday is 420, dad. Do you know what that means? Do your kids?

If you haven’t heard that, 420 is code for smoking marijuana … and now it has become an unofficial holiday (April 20). One of the dads on our staff, who just learned about “420″ this week, was surprised when he went home and asked his two sons, ages 14 and 16, if they know what it means. Both of them do (from their classmates).

So, for us, 4/20 (also falling in the middle of National Alcohol Awareness Month) is a great time to remind dads about the urgency of talking with their kids about drugs. Does it surprise you that the average age when someone first tries drugs or alcohol is 13? Dads, we can’t fall behind here.

To help you, here are some practical action points, mostly from notMYkid.org.

Seize the moment. Take advantage of opportunities to start a conversation with your kids. Maybe your child will share a story involving someone at school who was caught with drugs, or a celebrity or athlete may be in the news because of a drug problem. Use those teachable moments to talk honestly and openly.

Recognize the Appeal. Fitting in and being adventurous are essential needs of maturing youth. Kids tend to over-estimate the “rewards” of certain behaviors. Talk with your child about the long term realities and consequences of drug use. Don’t hesitate to use examples of real world tragedies.

Know your child. Be very familiar with what’s “normal” for him, so you’ll notice quickly when there’s a change in his behavior or some physical sign of drug use.

Listen more than you speak. Seek to understand first, without overreacting when they open up to you. You may be surprised to find out how much your child already knows or how mature his thinking is already.

Share some of your own experiences—someone you knew growing up who got involved with drugs, and the negative consequences you saw in his or her life.

Use a home drug test kit. I’ve never tried this suggestion from notMYkid.org, but it’s worth considering. It might sound extreme, but it’s actually similar to checking to make sure your daughter is meeting her curfew or maintaining good grades. You’re simply verifying her good behavior. Also, regular testing will give your child an easy “out” in a tricky peer pressure situation: “I can’t. My dad tests me for drugs and I’ll get caught.”

Get more tips, warning signs and conversation starters in this document: Not My Child on 420.

Have you talked with your kids about drugs? Are you hesitant to bring it up? Please share your ideas and comments below or at our Facebook page.

 

Carey CaseyCarey Casey is the CEO of the National Center for Fathering, a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the culture of fathering in America by enlisting 6.5 million fathers who to make the Championship Fathering Commitment. NCF believes that every child needs a dad they can count on, and uses its resources to inspire and equip men to be the involved fathers, grandfathers and father figures their children need. Subscribe to his weekly email tip by clicking here: “Yes! I want tips on how to be a great dad who loves, coaches, mentors, and inspires my children.

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Be a Good Dad for Your Son: Solve the Communication Puzzle

April 12, 2012 By Leave a Comment

 

Think about the last conversation you had with your child. Did you walk away feeling closer to him, or did it raise your blood pressure by a few points? Was your child smiling, or looking for something else to do? Or was he rolling his eyes?

For every dad, good communication is vital. Although some dads are fantastic at getting their kids to open up for those heart-to-heart talks, it’s more like a puzzle for many guys. And if we aren’t great at it, how can we equip our children to be good communicators?

Be a Good Dad for Your Son: Solve the Communication PuzzleCommunication is a key way we show our children how to love. We need to make communication a high priority so that we can teach our kids by example and through practice. The ideas you’ll find below are targeted to dads of sons, although you’ll find that many of them can be adapted for use with daughters, too.

In a nutshell, good communication is about listening first before making our opinions known, and doing away with lectures in favor of two-way discussions. Also, we have to be open to receiving feedback, even if it’s negative, and take the initiative in rebuilding relationships when fractures occur—having the courage to admit when we’re wrong and seek forgiveness. Those are all areas of communication that help demonstrate our love.

By being a good communicator, you serve as a model for your son in hopes that he will communicate with you. But let’s be honest: getting your son (especially if he’s a teenager) to talk with you can be one of the greatest challenges of your fathering career, but it is doable.

The public service announcements on television make it sound like the best approach is to just start a conversation about drugs or alcohol at the breakfast table. But most teenagers would just roll their eyes, and probably tune you out. How do you bridge the gap? The first suggestion is a paradox:

• To get your son to talk, don’t try to get him to talk. Sure, face-to-face chats are great if you can pull ‘em off. But usually, the best approach is to talk “sideways.” A boy will talk to you much more easily while you’re working on a project together or doing something fun. So enlist his help as you work on the car, shoot some hoops, hang drywall, run errands together, or join him in something he wants to do. During that activity, he may bring up something that’s been on his mind or willingly respond to a question you throw out.

• Watch for cues that he’s ready to talk. Maybe he talks more at a certain time of the day, or when he’s in a particular mood. The cues may be subtle, but you can learn to spot them.

• Be available. He may have a pressing question at eleven o’clock at night—or at three o’clock in the morning. His concerns may sound hair-brained or trivial or way off the mark. That’s okay, dad. Be flexible. Let him know that he can come to you anytime, about anything. Those times may be rare, so be ready. And put aside the cellphone or iPad, or turn off the TV when it happens.

• Affirm him verbally. Positive words give sons confidence and belonging, and provide a model of a man who can express love in healthy ways. We need to tell our sons how much they mean to us, point out their positive character traits, and say, “I love you, and I’m proud to be your dad.”

Finally, if your sons are still very young, do all you can to build a close relationship with him now. If it’s easy for him to talk to you during these younger years, there won’t be a gap to bridge, and that will do a lot to ease the strain once he becomes a teenager.

Download 5 Things Every Kid Must Get from Dad - FreeThis week’s blog is adapted from our ebook, 5 Things Every Kid Must Get from Dad. (There’s a section about sons and one about daughters.) I urge you to download and read the entire thing right here. It’s filled with more practical ideas that will help you become a better dad, including more Action Points like these:

  • Show interest in what your son likes and affirm his positive qualities—especially in the areas that are not like you.
  • Start a new project with your son that allows the two of you to be side-by-side for long stretches of time.
  • Notice something that your son does well and affirm him for it. Tell him, “I’m proud of you. You can do anything you set your mind to.”

What works for you when it comes to communicating with your kids? Please share your ideas and comments below or at our Facebook page.

See more articles on fathering sons.

 

Carey CaseyCarey Casey is the CEO of the National Center for Fathering, a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the culture of fathering in America by enlisting 6.5 million fathers who to make the Championship Fathering Commitment. NCF believes that every child needs a dad they can count on, and uses its resources to inspire and equip men to be the involved fathers, grandfathers and father figures their children need. Subscribe to his weekly email tip by clicking here: “Yes! I want tips on how to be a great dad who loves, coaches, mentors, and inspires my children.

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Away But Not Apart: How to Be a Good Dad Despite Separations

April 5, 2012 By 3 Comments

Do you find yourself often separated from your children? Whether it’s due to job demands, divorce, military service or some other challenge, this is a growing issue for today’s fathers … including me.

I travel a lot for work; I’m away from home much more than I would like to be, although my family knows that I have a calling on my life. Still, I have to accept the fact that as a road warrior dad, my absence can add to today’s crisis of fatherlessness.

For all of you guys who love your kids and can’t be there as much as you would like, you can be “away but not apart.” Here are 3 thoughts that have helped me stay connected at home. I know many of you have other tried-and-true strategies that work. Please share your ideas at our Facebook page.

1. Have a heart-to-heart talk with your family members. Is your absence weakening your relationships? You might be ignoring some warning signs or losing touch with your wife and children more than you realize. Sometimes I’ll ask Chance, “Son, am I gone too much?” And he’ll say, “No, Dad, I’m okay. I know what you’re doing.” Ask your bride, too. That feedback also helps you to keep your priorities straight when you are together. Your time and attention becomes more focused.

Also, dad, be open to the possibility that changes may be necessary. If your family relationships are suffering or even dangerously at-risk, it’s worth checking into a different position at your company or even changing jobs. That might seem like an extreme option, but it’s much easier than a divorce, if you’re married, or seeing your children go through major struggles without you (or because of your absence).

2. Find ways to stay in touch while you’re apart. Invest some extra effort and expense, whether that means texting, video conferencing, or your preferred way of staying in touch. Set up regular times for phone calls, so everyone can be available and expect your call. Be creative and find new ways to connect.

3. Conduct yourself with integrity. This might seem totally separate from your role as a father or a husband, but it’s all connected. Doing what’s right when you’re away from your children makes you a better man, which makes you a better father. Your self-discipline and character will make a difference in you life in many ways, and will spill over to your kids.

Even when you aren’t with your children or you have legal challenges with their mom, do the right thing and keep your poise. You will bless your kids by maintaining a high reputation and a virtuous life.

I know many of you have other tried-and-true strategies that work. Please share some of yours below or at our Facebook page.

See more articles on this topic.

 

Carey Casey is the CEO of the National Center for Fathering, a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the culture of fathering in America by enlisting 6.5 million fathers who to make the Championship Fathering Commitment. NCF believes that every child needs a dad they can count on, and uses its resources to inspire and equip men to be the involved fathers, grandfathers and father figures their children need. Subscribe to his weekly email tip by clicking here: “Yes! I want tips on how to be a great dad who loves, coaches, mentors, and inspires my children.

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Hunger Games: Be a Good Dad When it Comes to Media Choices

March 29, 2012 By 6 Comments

 

Have your kids seen The Hunger Games yet? If your children are 10 or older, you surely know about this movie already.

The film raises some important concerns for fathers and families. It’s rated PG-13 due to “intense violent thematic material and disturbing material—all involving teens.”

Is this the kind of movie you’d allow your child to see? Parents approach this question in different ways, and many of them have thoughtful reasons for doing so.

I often think of a child’s mind as a battleground. Media industries are spending billions to get my child’s time and attention and loyalty. Not all media is bad, but it often isn’t the best that I want for my child.

I don’t generally do media reviews. So instead, here are 3 guiding principles and then some practical tips for how to be a good dad when it comes to kids and media choices—for The Hunger Games and the next “questionable” movie, music download, TV show or video game your child begs to check out.

1. Be involved. See the movie. Play the video game. Often you can learn a lot from online resources that provide detailed reviews for parents—such as Common Sense Media and Plugged In. Take what you find out and measure it against the values and principles that are most important to you and your family.

Using that information, your involvement should include a dialogue—not a monologue!—with your child. Extend your child respect by listening first, and give him some benefit of the doubt.

Ask questions about what appeals to him about the movie. Talk about some of the themes that are prevalent, and the real-life consequences that go with them. For example, with The Hunger Games, you could discuss oppression and injustice, courage and bravery, responses to authority, and overcoming obstacles. Is the movie making a point about violence, or love, or the roles of men and women? What comment is it making about today’s world? If faith is important in your family, ask, “Where was God?” Or, “How could faith have made a difference for that character?”

Remember, dad, these media challenges with our kids are bonding and coaching opportunities. Issues that might seem difficult or negative can often become teachable moments for the future. And these can happen just about every day, so make sure you don’t get tired or bored of the process of shaping your child. Finding teachable moments in daily life should be a base play in your fathering game plan; it’s something you should be doing all the time.

2. Know your child. No matter what rating is stamped next to a movie, every child is unique. Not every 13-year-old is the same. Is your child deeply moved by on-screen drama? Is she ever mindful of the difference between fact and fiction? Would she understand the difference between necessary violence and gratuitous violence? Would she be haunted by violent scenes or would she be able to leave them in the theater?

The better you know your child, the better you’re be able to make wise decisions on specific media challenges that come along.

3. Don’t apologize for protecting your child. Not all movies, video games and websites are good for your child, and as a father, you have the right and the responsibility to set and enforce boundaries about what goes into your child’s mind, and protect him from danger.

Kids are growing up faster these days, but that isn’t always a good thing. They aren’t ready to handle adult issues and information; they don’t need to see violence and sex and forms of abuse. The heavy issues of the world can wait.

Don’t back down in the face of your child’s resistance because she can’t attend a sleepover where they’re showing a movie you object to. Don’t feel bad about restricting your son to video games that are rated for his age. Courageously change the channel or block the website when something inappropriate comes on.

Your kids will give you grief. They’ll call you unfair and out of touch. They’ll talk about what their friends’ parents allow them to do. But that’s okay—really! It’s your job to protect them.

Action Points for Dads on Handling Media Issues:

  • When you have to deny your children something, consider using these words (with a smile): “I love you too much to let you do things that aren’t good for you.”
  • Examine your own media use. As a role model, your kids watch what you watch.
  • Watch something funny with your kids on YouTube.
  • Help your family reevaluate the role of media in their lives by arranging for everyone to go “media free” for a day, weekend or longer. Brainstorm for other fun things to do together during that time.
  • Watch or listen to your children’s favorite programs or tapes. Empower your children by allowing them to make some viewing or listening decisions, subject to your approval. Listen to their impressions of their favorite shows or music.
  • Have a voice in programming and marketing. Call or write to local stations, networks and advertisers explaining why you approve or disapprove of programs. You can do the same at your local video or computer store. Get involved—and get your kids involved, too.

What works for you? Please share your comments and ideas below.

 

Carey Casey is the CEO of the National Center for Fathering, a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the culture of fathering in America by enlisting 6.5 million fathers who to make the Championship Fathering Commitment. NCF believes that every child needs a dad they can count on, and uses its resources to inspire and equip men to be the involved fathers, grandfathers and father figures their children need. Subscribe to his weekly email tip by clicking here: “Yes! I want tips on how to be a great dad who loves, coaches, mentors, and inspires my children.

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John Schneider: From ‘Dukes’ to Being a Better Dad

March 22, 2012 By 1 Comment

October Baby is now in theaters. It’s a powerful movie about eighteen-year-old Hannah, an adopted daughter. You can find out more and watch the trailer here.

It isn’t until halfway through that we find out other unusual circumstances about Hannah’s past that have made her life extra challenging. And, oh yeah, her parents have kept that information from her all these years. So she sets off on a journey to uncover the truth about who she really is.

Although fatherhood is not the central theme in the film, there is a compelling plot line involving Hannah and her dad. That father is played by John Schneider, from the iconic 70s TV show, Dukes of Hazzard, who has been involved in numerous TV shows, movies and music projects through the years.

During an exclusive NCF interview with John, he commented on October Baby, his fathering and family life, his career, the men who have been role models to him, and many other topics. I think you’ll appreciate and possibly identify with what he’s learned as a father. You can read the full interview here.

For this blog, I want to simply pass along a few of his insights. I think you’ll find that this “Hollywood actor” is very thoughtful and intentional about his role as a dad. (And you’ll notice plenty of “Action Points” that you can use along the way.)

Here’s John on raising teenagers:

I’ve done a lot of things, and I honestly have found nothing as frustrating in life than that period of time when your teenager daughter thinks you’re an idiot. And it happens! It just happens, and I don’t know why.

I’ve said this to my kids many times … “One of the biggest differences between me and you is that I’ve been seventeen, and you have not been fifty. So your perspective is very narrow, very short. It is your perspective, and I’m not going to discount it, but my job as a dad is … if I’ve sat on a stove that you’re about to hike your butt up onto, my responsibility is to let you know it’s hot. I’m not going to keep you from sitting on it, but I’m going to let you know that it’s going to hurt when you do.”

… It pains fathers when their children go through that “Dad is an idiot” stage. It really pains them. It’s not just confusing, it’s hurtful. But the good news, dad, is that it does have a shelf life. They do love their dads through all that stuff too, they just don’t let you know it. But later on they do. I used to tell friends of mine, “Don’t worry. They turn back into people just as magically as they turned into aliens.”

On the importance of modeling:

… With Leah, who’s twenty-seven, I used to open the door for [her] all the time. And it was cute when she was little, and then when she got to be about fourteen, it drove her crazy that I would open the door of the car. “Dad stop that. You know I don’t like that.” And I said, “Well, I can’t help it. It’s how I was raised, and you’re just going to have to deal with it. One day you’ll understand.” “No, I would never, I would never…” She’s had her current boyfriend for almost two years now. And the first thing she said to me when I found out she was falling in love with someone. She said, “I have to tell you something, Dad…. He opens the door for me, and I like it.” What a wonderful thing! It made my life! So, it took more than ten years for me to hear that, but it was worth every second of waiting for it.

On the art of the apology:

… They’re going to see bad stuff in you. We all do bad things… But there are things you can do intentionally. You can open doors for people, you can be polite, you can apologize. It’s a wonderful thing for a child to hear their father apologize to someone for something, or even better, apologize to them. I’ve apologized to my kids for stupid things I’ve done for as long as I can remember—and not right away, because I’m pretty stupid. But I will come to them a couple of days or even a month later and say, “You know, when I did that thing, I was wrong and I’m sorry.” And there’s power in that.

On the importance of good parenting:

Everybody likes to say that kids are so different today, but really I don’t think they are. There are more temptations and more cell phones and all that kind of stuff that has changed the dynamic a bit, but I think inside we’re all people who want be respected and want to be admired and want to matter. And if we can let our kids know that they matter, I think we’re way ahead of the game. And I think that worked a hundred years ago, and fifty years ago, and it’ll work tomorrow.

And John’s advice for dads:

Just hang in there, dad. Hang in there. Your experiences, your perspective, it’s all valuable and one of these days someone in your household will let you know that. Maybe not today, but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen tomorrow. Just hang in there. You’re worth it.

Once again, read that entire interview here, and find out more about October Baby here. I do encourage you to see this film. It will inspire and challenge you in many different ways.

 

Carey CaseyCarey Casey is the CEO of the National Center for Fathering, a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the culture of fathering in America by enlisting 6.5 million fathers who to make the Championship Fathering Commitment. NCF believes that every child needs a dad they can count on, and uses its resources to inspire and equip men to be the involved fathers, grandfathers and father figures their children need. Subscribe to his weekly email tip by clicking here: “Yes! I want tips on how to be a great dad who loves, coaches, mentors, and inspires my children.

Filed Under: How to be a Good Dad, Inspirational Stories, Tips for Dads Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Street Corner Fathering and Four Steps to Better Discipline

March 15, 2012 By 1 Comment

Another dad is in the news for “going public” to address an issue with his child…

One day during spring break, he took Michael, his 7th grader, out to the corner of a busy intersection wearing a sandwich board sign.

The issue was the son’s poor grades. Michael brought home three F’s, and his teachers reported that he’s a class clown. This is how his father decided to “send a message.”

The front of the sign read, “Hey, I want to be a class clown. Is it wrong?” Then, on the back: “I’m in the 7th grade and got 3 F’s. Blow your horn if there’s something wrong with that.” From the video it appears he got plenty of honks.

See the video …. (Note: the title on the video is not mine.)

 

Maybe you’re like me… You empathize with this dad’s concern that his child could be come a “statistic”; you’ve probably shared his desire to do something decisive that will get his child’s attention. I do affirm him for taking action. Too many children today aren’t held accountable for their behavior, and many of them don’t have involved fathers or father figures.

You can never know for sure, case by case … but I would expect actions like this to have some negative long-term effects, whether in the child’s life or the trust he feels toward his dad.

I believe there are positive actions we can take in these situations. We can teach our children powerful life lessons without resorting to public embarrassment. There are important principles to keep in mind when we’re correcting our children and seeking to shape their behavior.

1. Don’t make it about you. I know many dads struggle in this area, including me. When a situation comes up with our kids, sometimes our default responses aren’t healthy. We might be more concerned about getting some peace and quiet, putting the child in his place, or maybe even asserting our own right to be “in charge.”

But those things are more about what we feel than what is best for our children. The goal is for our children to view us as teammates or cheerleaders on the road of life, not adversaries. Some have even described healthy correction as rescuing our children from the danger that comes with a life of disrespect and disobedience.

2. Do use consequences to teach your child. Sometimes he won’t learn unless he loses a privilege or his life gets much harder for a day, a week, or longer in some cases. Consequences get his attention and can have powerful results. They also prepare him for the real world, where irresponsibility and disrespect will cost him in very real ways.

At a young age, your child needs to know that you mean what you say. If he gripes and complains, that’s when you know it’s working! Just make sure the responsibility rests squarely on his shoulders to fix the situation; that increases the chances that he’ll learn something.

3. Don’t embarrass or humiliate—even as a last resort. It’s okay to show some emotions; often it’s good for a child to see that you’re disappointed, sad or even angry because of what he has done. Just make sure those emotions don’t lead you to go too far. It may seem contrary to what seems natural, but the best approach with a behavior issue is to be objective and calm—giving your child real-life consequences while expressing confidence that he or she will do better next time.

A child who has messed up should feel remorse and sadness, but those negatives should quickly lead to positive motivation. If our actions as a father shame or humiliate him, his lasting memory from the event will likely be more focused on about the intense emotions than any lessons he can use in the future.

4. Do stay positive. Keep your ultimate, big-picture goal in mind: to help your child learn and grow from mistakes. Everything you do should be about that.

Positive discipline is done out of love and leads to hope. It’s an expression of nurturance, not just correction—and that makes sense, since both have the same goal of helping our children become confident, well-adjusted people. Even in correction and discipline, our children should come away from the experience with a clear impression that “Dad loves me.” “He’s doing this because he wants the best for me.”

Discipline is a big topic, and this is only a brief outline. What other ideas or tips are useful for you in tough situations with your kids? Please leave a comment below.

Also, you can get more of our ideas on discipline issues here … as well as in our new ebook, 5 Things Every Kid MUST Get from Dad. Get it free here.

Also, see my previous message about the dad who responded to his daughter’s Facebook rant with a video where he ended up shooting her laptop with a pistol. Many of my comments there also apply to this example.

 

Carey Casey is the CEO of the National Center for Fathering, a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the culture of fathering in America by enlisting 6.5 million fathers who to make the Championship Fathering Commitment. NCF believes that every child needs a dad they can count on, and uses its resources to inspire and equip men to be the involved fathers, grandfathers and father figures their children need. Subscribe to his weekly email tip by clicking here: “Yes! I want tips on how to be a great dad who loves, coaches, mentors, and inspires my children.

Filed Under: How to be a Good Dad, Tips for Dads Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Incredible, Addicting Rewards of Being a Good Dad

March 8, 2012 By 1 Comment

Although I’m a granddad, I still appreciate a good “kid fix” …

I was working from home, catching up on some phone calls and correspondence. I was focused and plugged in, getting important things done.

Then I heard the front door open upstairs, followed by that unmistakable pitter-patter sound of little feet. Kids don’t walk in a calm and relaxed way, right? They scamper and jump, especially when they’ve just arrived at Grandma’s house.

I knew who it was: my daughter and my two-year-old grandson. I noted their arrival, smiled, and went back to what was on my desk. Well, I tried to go back to work. But I just couldn’t focus.

So I gave in. I thought to myself, I don’t want to miss these moments. If you miss them, you can’t get them back.

I put my work aside for a few minutes and hurried upstairs for some fun with my little man. I held him and asked him some questions and spent probably ten minutes interacting with him. He’s getting older, so we’re forming a fun and unique relationship.

It was a great work break; there was no better way I could have spent that time. Even better, it reinforced the value of what I did when I went back downstairs.For all fathers, keeping time with our kids as a high priority helps us maintain a proper perspective on the time we do spend at work.

My youngest son is a teenager now, so there aren’t any “little feet” pitter-pattering around my home every day anymore. In many ways, I miss those days.

But what about you, dad?

I don’t know if you ever work from home or what your schedule is like. We’re all busy, whether it’s working or civic responsibilities or taking care of things around the house. And I want to be clear: Championship Fathering requires more of us than ten- or fifteen-minute breaks to hang out with our kids.

But there is great value in getting a “kid fix”—a short segment of fun and laughter when your work, your hobby, your tax-return, or the basketball game on TV stops because of the pitter-patter of little feet or a “Hey, Dad, do you wanna …?” Treat them as welcome interruptions! They remind us of what’s truly important, and those fun moments together build stronger relationships.

“Kid fixes,” even brief ones, also let your children know that work is not more important than they are. Do I need to say it? That’s vitally important.

And as I’m sure you know, fatherhood can be addicting.

Maybe you’ll start with bouts of “All-Star Wrestling” when you get home from work. But before you know it, you’ll be sneaking hugs before dinner, lingering at their bedside at night and uttering words of encouragement when they leave for school. And if you miss that opportunity to score a fix, you may have to resort to calling home in the middle of the day just to talk to your children. (And then, if it really gets out of hand, you’ll become a fatherhood pusher, like me.)

It’s true. Your children are precious and adorable creatures. I could go on and on about how they benefit from your loving, coaching, and modeling. They need you, and that should be enough motivation to be a good dad. But let me tell you, there are some incredible rewards for you as well. Plain and simple, being a good dad is a high like no other.

Go home tonight and get a healthy dose of your children. It may just change your life.

How do you handle interruptions from your kids? And what’s the most addicting aspect of fatherhood for you? Please share your comments below.

Action Points for how to make the most of those everyday opportunities as a dad

  • Especially with young kids, expect them to interrupt you. Prepare yourself for that, and plan to respond with patience and calmness. (Certainly there are times when our children shouldn’t interrupt or disturb us, but we can still respond in a kind way.)
  • If your job allows you to be at home during the day, keep a book or toy in your work area so your child knows they’re welcome there. If you’re like most dads and work away from home, make a habit of frequently leaving a small surprise for them at home and call home to engage them in finding it.
  • Even when you feel irritable or tired, push through and invest a few minutes with your child—playing catch, reading picture books, taking a walk, or whatever. You may find that afterward, even though your body is still tired, somehow you’ll feel refreshed.
  • What day-to-day opportunities to bond with your child might you be passing up? Think about his or her interests and daily schedule, and find opportunities to invest more of yourself.
  • With older kids, the “pitter-patter” interruptions are often less obvious and less frequent. So be proactive about finding connection points—something they enjoy, and at a time of day that works for them, if necessary.
  • Are you excited about the rewards of being a father? Tell other dads! Thank them for being there for their children, and encourage them to keep up the good work. (And please let them know we’re here to help.)

 

Carey CaseyCarey Casey is the CEO of the National Center for Fathering, a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the culture of fathering in America by enlisting 6.5 million fathers who to make the Championship Fathering Commitment. NCF believes that every child needs a dad they can count on, and uses its resources to inspire and equip men to be the involved fathers, grandfathers and father figures their children need. Subscribe to his weekly email tip by clicking here: “Yes! I want tips on how to be a great dad who loves, coaches, mentors, and inspires my children.

Filed Under: How to be a Good Dad, Inspirational Stories, Tips for Dads Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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