You have probably seen the video that’s everywhere on the Internet and featured on many news outlets …
Earlier this month, a 15-year-old girl posts a profanity-laced complaint about her parents on Facebook, thinking only some of her friends would see it. But her dad does discover it, and responds by making a video for the daughter and her friends (and eventually all the world) to see.
“Are you kidding me?” the dad says in the video. He reads her message and responds to it point-by-point, adding his own comments about her lack of gratitude and respect. He tells her, “You’ve got it easy, but it’s about to get a whole lot harder.” She’s lost all privileges until college, etc.
Then he finishes by destroying her laptop with nine rounds from his .45 pistol.
Please be warned … the video contains profanity.
People have had strong reactions to this dad’s approach to “tough love.” Some say the daughter’s message warranted that kind of response; good for him for holding her accountable and teaching her a memorable lesson about real-world consequences. I heard one man say with a chuckle, “I would have used a 12-gauge.”
And others, while admitting that kids today need to hear those points, are appalled by the dad’s actions. He went too far; he’s being a bully and doing permanent damage to the relationship.
I know I would never go to that extreme. And though we’ll never know the whole story of the relationship, I have to wonder if this dad is burning bridges with his daughter at a key point in her life.
More importantly, dad, I hope this video quickly turns your thoughts to your own fathering. How do you handle it when your child shows disrespect or loses her mind in some way? How can you be a good dad even during those “Are you kidding me?” moments with your children? I’ve surely said and done some things in the heat of a battle with a child that I later regretted.
For me, these four thoughts come to mind:
1. Keep practicing Championship Fathering. For me, it always comes back to those basics, because they are grounded in solid research. In just about any situation, we can ask ourselves, Am I showing love to my child—truly doing what’s best for him? How does this challenge provide opportunities for me to coach my child and help prepare her for life? And am I being a good model—conducting myself in a way that I would want my child to emulate?
2. Especially when it seems like your kid is out of control, focus on self-control. If you try to exert strict control over your teenager, the chances are good that you’ll drive him away or turn him into an enemy. Instead, realize that your child will occasionally put you on some emotional roller-coasters. Expect that, and don’t go ballistic on him. Demonstrate self-control; be a calm father.
3. Keep a long-range perspective. Remember the end goal of your fathering: a responsible, well-adjusted adult. Ask yourself, What do I want my child to remember about this day—and my behavior—five or ten years from now? That perspective may help you relate to your children with an extra measure of patience, calmness, and acceptance.
4. Be ready to say, “Sorry.” We all overreact sometimes. I know I have. A genuine apology should be a natural and quick response. Be an agent of healing. Recognize when you’ve hurt your child and take the initiative to go to her and say, “I was wrong. I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?” (Practice those words out loud, so they’re easier to say when you need to.)
Here are more Action Points you can use:
- Revisit your household rules for Internet use, email, social media, YouTube, etc., and discuss those as a family. Remember: “There’s no place like home.” Agree with your children to never take complaints public—online or otherwise.
- If your kids are older, watch the video with them. Ask for their thoughts about the daughter’s comments and her dad’s response.
- Identify an area of life where your child needs some instruction or greater maturity—responsibility, a work ethic, money management, etc. Come up with a plan to invest yourself in building up your child in that area. Beware of any storms brewing. Commit to lines of communication now that will head off the storm. Restate your expectations and show mercy as much as possible. These are kids.
- Ask your wife to help you identify when your tone of voice becomes harsh when you’re talking to your children—and what effect it has on them.
- Count to ten! Give yourself time to think through the most positive, reasonable response. Understand your own temperament. Even words can create lasting impressions—and wounds. Write out your thoughts; record your videos … and then sit on them. Maybe get feedback from another dad. Think carefully about the long-term impact of your actions.
I know many of you dads out there also have great experiences and wisdom on this. Please share your thoughts below.
Carey Casey is the CEO of the National Center for Fathering, a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the culture of fathering in America by enlisting 6.5 million fathers who to make the Championship Fathering Commitment. NCF believes that every child needs a dad they can count on, and uses its resources to inspire and equip men to be the involved fathers, grandfathers and father figures their children need. Subscribe to his weekly email tip by clicking here: “Yes! I want tips on how to be a great dad who loves, coaches, mentors, and inspires my children.
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Fathers 52 by Jay Payleitner
It's Good to Be the Dad by Clark H Smith
This video is pretty sickening to me. I know what this father was feeling, but I don’t know what he was thinking.
He has taught his daughter that it’s OK to repay a hurt with another hurt; that a man with a gun can do or say anything he wants; and that the internet is the proper forum for internal family problems.
He does nothing to repair his relationship with his daughter, or examine the underlying motives behind her (relatively tame) rant.
He does not even acknowledge that their relationship is damaged or that he might have played a part in that.
He just tells her, in an extremely self-righteous tone, that she is wrong. So I don’t see how, after all the time and thought he put into this, he didn’t stop and think that this video could make his daughter resent him even more.
I mean, I was never a teenage girl, but I was a teenager, and I work with teens. I have never heard of one who would respond to something like this by saying, “wow, dad’s serious. I’m going to transform myself into a responsible young adult now.”
However, I don’t think this man is an abuser or would deliberately hurt his daughter. I have felt frustrations as a father that made me consider lashing out, but we all have a built-in “no” button. I wish I knew how to teach Mr. Jordan to use his. It would have taken far less effort, and caused less trauma, to donate the laptop to a person in need and have a family conference about the disrespect issues.
Thanks for your response to this, Carey. Everybody is talking about this, but few are willing to look at both sides or to suspend judgment in favor of more conversation. Most people are either cheering for the dad or vilifying him. While it’s clear you don’t support his actions, you are making him out to be a frustrated father, not a violent sociopath. I always remind myself that there is never just one story. It’s good to see you are doing the same.
As a follow-up to that shocking-yet-understandable reaction, the father has since also published that he and his daughter have had a long heart-to-heart, talked through both of their feelings, and have found humor on the other side of this unfortunate event. That said, there is still the question at hand … Was it a reasonable response in the first place? Adrenalin does strange things to people, and when its combined with an unresolved situation and a powerful medium for resolution, that can be a dangerous combination. Dad was making a point, and make it he did. The overly disturbing aspect of it all was the way it was made. Clearly “time outs”, “groundings”, and “suspensions” don’t always work and more extreme responses are sometimes necessary. In his case, though, the extreme nature of his action was further exaggerated by his placement of the laptop on the ground in front of him, taking aim at point blank range, and firing not just one but the entire magazine into the helpless victim. It created, in our subconscious imagination, an image of the daughter herself, in a completely submissive and helpless position, frightened for what was to come, with her aggressor standing over her, completely victimizing her. Shocking and disturbing imagery, to be sure. I wonder if it would have been as disturbing had he simply stood the laptop in front of an archery range target to illustrate the lack of value and respect she put on both her father and the privilege he had given her, and then used it for target practice to let her know that those privileges had been permanently revoked.
I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who will view the father’s actions as “too far.” If the father had simply wiped the hard drive and thrown it in the trash, we probably would have never heard about it. The poetic part of this whole thing isn’t so much the fact that he shot the computer with a .45, but instead how he kept his cool when he posted the rebottle. Had he reciprocated with a profanity-laced tirade then I think his message would have been lost. She’s not shooting the laptop to “act symbolically with what he would like to do to his daughter” as I read on another website post, he’s a dad who probably DOES and DOES with her stupid rant as his only “thank you!”
WAY TO GO!!!! I think the fact that he followed through with what he told her he would do was very important.Children these days are being raised to blame everyone else for their actions and parents too often back them up blaming others for their kids actions “facebook made me do it, it was the video games, if obama wasnt president, it was their friend influence, etc…” This dad enforced a couple of old ideals: follow through, responsibility, and trust.”
That last one might throw some people. When he said he was going to do something he did it regardless of the financial implications. He showed his daughter that she can trust him to do exactly what he says he will do good or bad. He showed when you say you are going to do something you DO IT. He enforced that personal responsibility lacking in the world today. Was it Harsh? Maybe. Question is Was it EFFECTIVE? I say absolutely. For those that say it was abusive get over yourselves. THIS WAS NOT abuse by any definition. He is holding his daughter responsible for her actions. He paid for it he can shoot it if she wants another one she can get a job and buy one. I bet the next time someone gives her something or spends time fixing something for her she thinks twice about publicly insulting them right after they took the time to help her. MORAL “Be thankful for what you have and for what those around you do for you”
I realize people will comment on the bad grammer and structure in response I am not good at writing and just hope my point got across
1 Brothers, if someone is caught in any wrongdoing, you who are spiritual should restore such a person with a gentle spirit, watching out for yourselves so you also won’t be tempted. 2 Carry one another’s burdens; in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
Galatians 6:1-2
4 Fathers, don’t stir up anger in your children, but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4
Parental discipline ungirded by love and expressed in emotional irrational conduct does not help restore relationships, but rather exacerbates current situations and increases the inner pain of a young heart and mind that needs firm and loving guidance to correct and train the child into maturity. It is unfortunate that the daughter would publically express her thoughts about she perceives her parents think of her. Her thoughts definitely reveal immaturity and a need for significant help. The help she needs is not what she got from those closest to her and it apears the trajectory of contiued discipline with the absence of love is on the way.
Lord Jesus, help this family and help the many others in like situations.
I can tell that this father was very hurt by what his daughter did on Facebook. I dont know this family, but I do know that this father has lost the heart of his daughter, when that happens your daughter will lose respect towards dad. I recommend to “that” dad an excellent book/audiobook called “The Resolution for Men” by Stephen Kendrick and Alex Kendrick. This will really bless your soul for all of us men/father’s. We must pray for this family that God will bring about a unity, respect and love in this family. God bless.
The tragedy in all of this is that they’ve raised a daughter who is lost. I have seven kids, 5 girls (19, 17, 15, 12 & 9) and 2 boys (8 & 1). The oldest 4 are surrounded by fellow students who are just as foul-mouthed as this young lady and many of them have a similar hate for their parents. This man’s daughter is a product of her upbringing IMO. Dad seems very comfortable using profanity. Chances are she smokes too. We must model what we want in our children. My children choose not to be profain because they see it for what it is – wrong. Dad may have won this battle but sadly he had long since lost the war and possibly his baby girl.
For those of you that don’t keep guns in the house you could smash the thing with a sledgehammer. Chemists could dissolve it with sulfuric acid. Ranchers could stampede it with their cattle. Construction workers could saw it in half. And everyone else could make their child destroy the thing themselves.
Excessive? Excessive is the litigated child-centric society we live in. I love my children but they are my children and I have a difficult job to teach them how to be good people especially with all the available diversions today. Here, here dad! Sometimes drastic times cause for drastic measures. Make her go fishing with you!
Like many others, I appreciate the frustration the father feels towards his daughter. As was said earlier, we do not know the whole story, but I will say that there seems to be some other issues or tensions in the household if there is conflict like this. Just about every teenager I knew, including myself, was a bit of a rebel around this age. Wanting to test the waters and grow up and live their own lives with their own rules and not have “The parents always watching every move”. We, as parents, hopefully are concerned as were our parents about what the child(ren) were doing and if everything is okay. Hopefully not getting into trouble and doing well in school. I was raised the help around the house, whether inside or outside and feeding stock and splitting wood were part of every day. I may not always have like it, however I did as was told and I hope it has made me become a better adult, parent and father. This may be a good opportunity to seek outside help to find out where the core of her bitter remarks stems and perhaps it may also help all the parents involved to not only better understand where she is coming from, but what they can do to communicate in perhaps a less aggressive and loving manner. There was a few disturbing issues for me and that encompassed the weapon. It bothered me that if he thought that was a good solution. If she finally did see the video, which i would guess she would have via her friends.Her anger may build and she could become vengeful. Would she consider a similar solution but with unintentional and drastic results? Possibly thinking that “Well he did it to me so I will pay him back the same way.” Another issue with the weapon is that he was unsure of how many rounds he still had. I have weapons because we live in Alaska and we are in the outdoors often so I carry these to protect my family. I am very aware of how many rounds are in the weapon and also when discharging them, I know how many are left. There is no need to look at the side to see because it should always be pointed the same direction it has been fired. It is very clear in our home that these are to protect our family if we must. They are not toys and we don’t handle them or treat them as such. To fire a weapon at random into a laptop or any other item is grossly irresponsible. Target practice is one thing. Finally, I will say that children need to be corrected when needed and held accountable for their actions. I would think that instead of shooting the laptop, perhaps he could have disposed of it and then had a calm (stressing calm) talk and suggest that if she wants to earn money for chores around the house, great. However the list will be longer and with the duties accomplished comes income which will help her to buy a new computer and maybe give her a sense of becoming a maturing young adult. My thoughts only…I can say I wouldn’t stop trying to find a positive solution because I would hate to lose my daughter and her love towards me because I did something stupid out of anger and frustration.
Best of luck Dad.
I have 5 daughters myself (ages 19-11), as well as a son who is grown and on his own. I count myself extremely blessed and it is a joy raising them all, but I too have experienced many times of frustration, disrespect (directed at both my wife and I), and many other disappointments and heartbreaks that come along with raising kids, especially during the rebellious teenage years. It’s very, very difficult at times. I’m by no means an expert or claim to be a perfect dad, but this type of behavior from a teen is most likely only for a season, and while often difficult, it’s important to love them through all the junk. I obviously don’t know the full story, nor have I always handled the tough times as I should, but I believe this dad approached this in a manner that will not yield the results that he ultimately and truly wants to achieve. I would recommend him or anyone else in this situation to seek professional help, someone highly trained and skilled to help restore a broken relationship (and rebuild a new one) between fathter and daughter. There are some really good Christian counselors in many areas, and I can personally testify that the money spent (and it’s not easy in today’s economy) is WELL worth it. If that’s not possible, a strong local church or pastoral staff would love the opportunity to help (or both). I would also agree with Pastor Clinton Ward’s previous comments…much wisdom in this. Finally, and most importantly, we need to all remember and recognize continually that we are completely helpless and hopeless without the help of our Heavenly Father. God loves families. It’s situations like these that he greatly cares for and wants to help; and He will help. It’s simply our responsibility to run to Him. Run to him.
I have watched the video, and listened to what was said. I also think that there are two sides to every story. There are no instruction manuals to help parents raise their children. We all do the best we can with what we have and remember let he who has not sinned cast the first stone. This child has been raised in this environment by this parent. This is not out of the norm for this family. I will not judge the father on his parenting skills. Children must be taught that they will be held accountable for their actions. This father did exactly that and I say good job. We as parents can all sit back and second guess this guy, but I think that what this all boils down to is a father doing the best he can to raise a child who will be a productive member of society and the manner in which he chooses to do that is his business. The question now is, did the child in fact learn her lesson? Respect is a huge issue for me, and I feel that a lot of the problems we as a society have today are rooted in this area. Children must be taught to be respectful of others feelings, property, rights as well as themselves. For those of you who think you can do a better job, good luck, I’m just trying to get through today. I also have 3 girls 22,15 and 13. No one has all the answers, were all doing the best we can.
I’m a father of two boys (14 & 8), Yes they both anger and frustrate me at times. With that said when I discipline either I don’t do it while I am mad, I try to do it as the “adult” not like a kid throwing a tantrum.
I think it sad that this father has resorted to violence with a gun to try to solve a problem or discipline his child. We as a country have had two school shootings in a week!!!!!!! Also a murder/suicide over the weekend that I think left 5 dead. I personally own guns and have taught both my sons proper gun safety and I’m not preaching antigun or progun, but this is a case where a supposed adult should have his gun ownership right revoked. This did nothing to teach his child or any other child anything except to use a gun when you are mad is acceptable.
God and Heaven help us.
I too think the Dad was right about telling his daughter point by point her wrongs but I think he went a little to far with the gun thing, heck, the laptop was worth selling. Obviously there is a problem with the relationship that needs some work and I know that’s hard too now a days. Kids don’t listen and when they do they hear something totally different than what you are saying.It’s harder to be a parent these days as much as the kids have it harder being a kid. Taking the laptop away would have been a better thing, probably taking her cell phone that she has had for a few years like most kids do these days would have worked too. Sometimes I can’t believe what parents buy their kids and then wonder why they aren’t listening to them or talking to them. Leave out the violence though, maybe show he the Ebay post you just made listing her laptop for sale next time.
At her age I would’ve gotten hit with a belt or a hand, cursed at, grounded etc which was not considered abuse in my upbringing yet well deserved had i done what she did. Keeping in mind that it wasn’t her first time as the father stated in the video. With all the abstract changes in our society it is becoming a crime to discipline your child. I applaud the father in what he did because he got her attention. As stated above they have worked out their differences. Funny thing is even if he would’ve destroyed the laptop by any other means: sledgehammer, run it over, slammed it on the ground, imersed it in water etc, the reactions would’ve been the same. Time out, talking and other subtle methods of discipline DO NOT ALWAYS work. People need to realize that kids go out in the world and come home unruly regardless of how good they have it at home.
Yeah, the gun was a bit much. If this is how the father deals with his anger now, who’s to say that it won’t escalate to using that pistol on his daughter’s future boyfriend. Guns don’t kill people. Angry people with guns do. Obviously I’m not a huge gun advocate, I do believe that people have that right, but I fear that eventually that gun is going to find it’s way into the hands of someone who is irresponsible, or worse, angry. Harmless display of anger? Perhaps. But certainly not intelligent. This display of using violence over other means is not an example of behavior that any father would wish for his children to imitate later on in life, is it? My 8 year old son, John, asked “why did he do that?” I responded with, “because he was mad.” He asked me if I meant mad as in angry or mad as in crazy. I said yes.
I saw this video long before it went viral, my first response was “Yeah !!! bout time”….. but I quickly realized the potential for damage in the relationship, but to Dads credit he does have a lot of commonsense and a work ethic. Like a lot of us he needs to “fine tune” his method of delivery (chuckle..)
I explained to him that the reason we were doing this was because he needed to see what the rest of his life was going to be like. That with a disrespectful attitude toward women he would not have a girlfriend or wife that would stay with him and put up with this type of behavior, so I was just giving him a headstart on life. Come the weekend I sent him to retrieve his laundry, he carried it to the laundry room. I asked him “are you not aware that Mom’s washer and dryer?” Not allowed. You’ll need to go get your billfold and any extra quarters you have lying around. We spent the next 3 hours at the Laundromat, doing laundry, reading magazines and talking. The lesson seems to have had an impact, at least he doesn’t back talk her when I’m around.
I have been “reminded” many times by my wife that words I use and tone I deliver them with are far more cutting than any consequences I could ever dole out. (What’s the old saying? “People may forget what you said but they will NEVER FORGET how you made them feel.”) One time my 13-year-old (now 16) “dissed” Mom right in front of me, that was a pretty brave move considering my occasional temper. I gave him “the look” and a “what were you thinking talk”. Latter that afternoon he did it again. I called him over looked him in the eye and told him that’s twice in one day AND right in front of me? Your to old to spank and your mother says I over react sometimes and consequences don’t fit the offense, so be fore-warned this is on my radar and I will take a couple of days to mull it over, but a fitting consequence IS coming.
Next day, I took him aside and told him that for one week his mother was not allowed to do ANYTHING for him, no cooking, no laundry and no Chauffeuring. I told him that I was in this with him because he had to have learned this behavior from someone. We headed to the bank and made a withdrawal and went shopping for food, splitting the cost 50/50. That week we cooked all our meals, washed our dishes (ate a lot of peanut butter and Raman Noodles
I also understand that with our kids, more is “Caught than is Taught” I have on more that one occasion been painfully convicted of Colossians 3:21 “Fathers do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged” Wow….we have the power to build our kids up or to strip them of any courage they have to face life’s challenges.
Here’s a closing thought, I don’t claim any political loyalties but consider this our last 2-sitting Presidents did come from fatherless homes…….