by Michelle Watson Canfield, PhD, LPC

Dad, you’ve surely noticed some things about your daughter that you may never fully understand, often due to the built-in differences between male and female. And as a committed and dialed-in GirlDad, part of connecting with your unique and precious daughter is stretching to learn about and appreciate who she is and how she expresses herself.

One big opportunity for this is your daughter’s sense of style.

Style and fashion might seem trivial to you, but please hear me: what she wears—clothing, accessories, the whole package—is typically much more important to her than it is to you, and it communicates a lot about her. If a girl seems to not care about clothes and usually dresses shabby or sporty, those are still “styles” that express who she is.

And if you have more than one daughter, you’ve probably also discovered that things get a bit more complicated as they grow up and each one is trying not to look like the other while finding her own individual style. And whether the younger one is not wanting to follow in the footsteps of her older sister or seeking to find her own self-expression, either way, you’ll be wiser as a dad by entering in and seeking to understand your daughter’s need to express her personality through how she dresses.

I found a great definition of style from fashion designer Rachel Zoe: “Style is a way to say who you are without having to speak.” (You might share that with your daughter and see what she thinks.)

Adding to her definition, I say: Style is essentially an outward expression of who we see ourselves to be, revealed through clothing, hairstyle, hair color, tattoos, piercings, jewelry, and more. And whether or not you agree with your daughter’s style expression, it’s important that you let her speak while you listen with a goal to better understand her.

Many dads have asked me how to guide their daughters through this maze when they disagree with her clothing choices. That’s a bigger conversation than that I’ve written more about here, but it’s my desire to stand with you as you take a proactive step forward by looking through your daughter’s eyes and seeing her where she is right now.

For now, I encourage you to invite your daughter to join you as you open this conversation about her clothing style. If she doubts your motives or intent, or if she doesn’t live close or isn’t open to meeting in person, you can show her the list of questions ahead of time or send them to her to let her know you care. (There’s a pdf you can get here.)

Make it your goal to listen without judgment or criticism.

… which is a key foundational step in bridge-building with your daughter.

Here’s a list of questions to ask your daughter. And the last question is a fun and funny one to engage your daughter in rating your style. Have fun!

1. How would you describe your style? (Circle all that fit.)

• Playful
• Girly/Feminine
• Boho/Free-spirited/Casual
• Sporty
• Classic
• Earthy/ Hippie
• Artsy
• Retro
• Spicy/Edgy
• Modern/Trendy/Current
• Tomboy
• Goth
• Unconventional
• Other ___________

2. Is it important for you to have a personal style and look that’s all your own or is it not that big of a deal to you?

3. What words in the list above would you say described your style two years ago? What about five years ago?

4. Do you like your current style? Have you thought about changing it? If you did change it, what new style captures your attention?

5. Are there any celebrities whose style you would say matches yours? What about his or her style do you like?

6. Does style and fashion play a part in the way you connect with your friends … or not?

7. What do you enjoy about having a style that’s all your own? Is there any part of this whole thing that’s ever stressful for you?

8. Now, what words would you use to describe my style as your dad? Do you have any suggestions for how I could update my look? (This one can be really fun and funny if you choose not to be offended by anything she says.)

One last note: Most men think their style is fine despite input to the contrary from the women in their lives! But if you allow yourself to be open to your daughter’s input about your style, it can create a powerful dad-daughter bonding interaction. Then for “extra dad points,” I encourage you to concede and let her choose one new item for your wardrobe, which will be a gift that keeps on giving because every time you wear it, she’ll remember that you respected her input, adding yet another positive experience to your repertoire!

This is an opportunity for you to grow as a dad!

Ask your daughter questions to help you better understand her clothing style choices, which make statements about who she is.

Read more from Michelle at fathers.com here.

Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield is a licensed professional counselor of 28 years, founder of The Abba Project, a 9-month group forum for dads of daughters (ages 13 to 30), and author of Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters and Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart (both available on Amazon and Audible). She also hosts award-winning “The Dad Whisperer” Podcast, which you can access on her website and on Apple+, Google Podcasts, and Spotify. Visit drmichellewatson.com for more information and to sign up for her weekly Dad-Daughter Friday blogs. You can also follow or send feedback on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.