What’s the secret ingredient of good fathering?

And maybe more importantly for many dads: What can you do if you never saw that kind of father as you grew up?

Jeff is a committed dad who has a great perspective on fathering. He’s passionate about being the dad his two children need, but it’s been a challenge because his father left when he was pretty young and Jeff missed out on a lot of modeling about how to be a man, a husband and dad. That’s still a huge gap, although he’s thankful for other men stepping in at various points to provide some of that manly guidance.

And so now Jeff is an overcomer father. His burning desire to be a great dad is motivated by this thought: I want to be the dad to my kids that I didn’t have growing up.

Like him, many dads are trying to overcome a painful past because of their own fathers’ shortcomings, and maybe that describes you today. But as he demonstrates—and as our research has found—commitment and determination can often help you make up for what you didn’t get from your dad.

That’s the thing about overcomers: once they catch a vision for what a father should be, they often become the most devoted and passionate fathers of all. Sometimes that devotion comes naturally, but with other guys it may take more time and effort.

Beyond being an overcomer, there’s another big thought that fuels Jeff’s commitment as a dad, an idea that helps to keep him on track moment by moment:

Fatherhood is a privilege, not an obligation.

It would be great if we all shared that perspective, but even if we did, it isn’t an easy one to maintain. Fathering is one of the everyday roles we have, and it can easily become routine. Maybe we take them to school, drive them to dance practice, fix meals and snacks, cheer at their football games, have family meals a few times a week, read books with them or help with homework, supervise bath time and get them into bed with a “Sleep well. Love you.” And in between all that, we try to find moments here and there to just hang out, play games, watch a funny video, go for walks, help them with a sport or skill, and so on.  

Responsible fathering often fills up our days and sometimes our nights. Committed fathering is task-oriented; the family calendar is full, and it seems there’s always more to do in a day. And as devoted fathers, we make those selfless investments. But that doesn’t mean it has to be routine. How can we do that?

It’s all about our attitude.

When being a dad calls us into action, are we fulfilling that dad-action out of a sense of duty or obligation? Or are we viewing it as one of the most important things we can do in the moment—investing in our children or simply being available for them? Are we trying to be really present and engaged during the everyday interactions with our kids?

Yes, being an involved father means sometimes making “sacrifices”—giving up or delaying something else, maybe some things that we enjoy—but we have to remember that we’re making investments. And over time our consistency and positive attitude will likely be remembered for many years.

So, dad, out of all the characteristics that can make you an effective father—no matter what your past was like, and no matter what your current challenges might be …

Your unwavering commitment is the most important factor to keep you motivated and on the right track with your kids.

That’s the most common “secret ingredient” of good fathering. (There are six more research-based “secrets.”) And it’s good if you’re motivated by a sense of duty, but it’s even better if you’re driven by the conviction that being a dad is a privilege, and you’re doing your best as a dad because you have a high calling that you want to fulfill with passion and confidence.

How much of your fathering feels like a duty? How do you shift to a more positive attitude? Leave a comment on our Facebook page here.