by Matt Haviland

If the holiday season ushers in an assortment of emotions to most people, that’s even more true for single dads this time of year. Joy, laughter, and anticipation may be at the forefront. What about dread, anxiety, or doubt? “Yes” to all of the above, and then some.

As a single dad, maybe you typically just try to survive the holidays.

Most of us want better than “just surviving” for our kids, don’t we? Is it possible to have holidays with them that are OK or even better than OK? So often, we catch ourselves thinking, This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. Maybe we have a picturesque holiday portrait in our hearts and minds, but it soon gives way to reality, and we feel like there’s something missing again this year.

I remember my daughter’s first Christmas. Regretfully, I couldn’t be with her to celebrate that day. Rather than being filled with peace and joy, I was overcome with conflict and sadness. But as she grew and the years went by, I learned a few things and made some adjustments. Eventually I learned that each holiday season required some pivots and flexibility, but through it all I gained a new sense of my purpose as a father. And I started viewing these weeks from Thanksgiving to New Year’s as opportunities to create deeper bonds with my daughter and be foundational in her life.

Dad, before you can be assured that it will be OK this holiday season, may I suggest giving yourself permission to do five healthy things this year?

It’s OK to Grieve

… losses you’ve experienced, such as your kids’ mom, relationships, an intact family, etc.

How in the world can one grieve when we constantly hear, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year”? I mean, doesn’t being a single parent in the first place mean a significant loss has occurred? I get it. I grieved for years that my daughter never had an intact family during the holidays. According to Brain MD (and what I would eventually discover on my own), healthy grieving can lead to greater levels of empathy, strength, resilience, and appreciation for love and life—all positive virtues any good dad should possess. This holiday season, make space in your days to find solace in healthy grieving.

It’s OK to Imagine and Wonder

… how this holiday season could be better than all the others.

One thing about adversity: it will force us to go places that we may not have gone before, and often in a good way. When wondering how you will make this season unlike any other, allow your imagination to become more alive, and the anticipation of trying something new with your children to refresh your soul. Be spontaneous too! Knowing your kids and what makes you all “click,” it’s OK to wonder if, instead of the traditional dinner with the entire family, you and the kids could create a potluck together yourselves. Or maybe everyone would have more fun spending holiday time together at a nice vacation rental instead of hanging out at your place. What about giving your children some ownership during the holidays, where each one plans a specific activity for you all to do? It’s OK to wonder if __________. (You fill in the blank.)

It’s OK to Get Creative

… with gifts, games, new traditions.

Family traditions are extremely important in a child’s life; they bring stability and help create memories for our kids to hold on to. Whenever possible, continue with established family traditions (perhaps with a twist), and consider creating some new ones—maybe that potluck, for example. But in general, stay focused on spending time with your kids and relaxing. They can probably already feel the tension and busyness of the holidays; this is an awesome opportunity for you to act as a mitigator to lower their stress levels.

It’s OK to Laugh

… even when your children aren’t with you.

There’s a proverb that says, “A joyful heart is good medicine.” Should you find yourself separated from your kids during any part of the holidays, I cannot emphasize enough the importance of having a healthy community around you. What this looks like in your world is your call. Traditionally, we would say friends and family. Perhaps that isn’t an option. What about people from church, support groups, or neighbors? Whoever you’re with—and even if you’re alone—be purposeful about doing things that bring you some joy and laughter. Don’t give yourself the opportunity to wallow in self-pity or dwell on negative thoughts.

It’s OK to Rest

… in the peace and joy of the season—knowing that you are, and always will be, a father.

This is where your holiday season can come full circle. I used to tell myself that Christmas is only one day, but it was more important that I was a dad 365 days of the year—and this can apply to any winter holiday you may celebrate. I surely don’t want to diminish the significance of important holidays, but don’t let one day derail you. It can be very tempting to focus on the “have nots” and miss the bigger picture of what it means to be a father during the holidays.

So, to answer the question, Will it be OK this holiday season? The answer is Yes, it really can be, this year and for many more to come. We have been given one of the greatest gifts imaginable: the title of Dad. And a great way to celebrate that, even during the most emotionally charged times of the year, is to give our children the gift of ourselves—engaged, undistracted, thoughtful and fun-loving. I wish you and your family the absolute best this holiday season.

Read more from Matt at fathers.com here.

Matt Haviland is the director of Alpha Men’s Center, a division of Alpha Grand Rapids, in Grand Rapids, MI. He is married to his amazing wife, Christy, and is the father of a wonderful teenage daughter. He and Christy are currently in the adoption process as well. Matt has been working with fathers since 2008 and understands just how valuable dads are to their families and communities. A native of Grand Rapids, he enjoys family time, reading, playing golf, and almost all outdoor recreation.