HEART Fathering: Laugh, Grow, Never Give Up

‍The best fathering actions flow from the heart.

Being a dad is about showing up—physically and emotionally—and engaging with your children in ways that build lasting trust and make memories. Those are not easy goals to achieve, but I want to give you a simple framework using the letters of HEART that captures some vital expressions of fatherhood. Every dad would be wise to give these consideration as part of your fathering journey.

Humor: Laughing Together

A shared sense of humor is a powerful tool for building a strong father-child bond. Along with just having fun, laughter relieves stress and creates a sense of lightheartedness that helps everyone feel more connected. Make a point to incorporate silliness into your daily routine with your kids. This could be as simple as having a "silly sentence" contest at the dinner table, where you and your children make up increasingly ridiculous phrases, or celebrating silly holidays that come along throughout the year—like International Talk Like a Pirate Day on September 19th.

A brief but important caution: While humor is vital, it's also crucial to set clear boundaries. Make sure the humor you use and allow never excludes, insults, frightens, or tears down.

Enjoyment: The Joy of Being a Dad

While humor is about laughter, enjoyment is a deeper sense of contentment that comes from simply being a father. It's the thrill you feel when your child walks into the room, the eagerness to go out and shoot hoops, or the simple pleasure of a quiet moment together. This feeling of joy is contagious and has a powerful effect on your children, no matter their age.

Cultivating enjoyment should be intentional. Instead of getting caught in a rut where your only interactions with your kids are about problems or discipline, actively seek out shared activities that foster connection. These don't have to be big events; they can be as simple as a quick trip for ice cream, a bike ride, or working on a shared hobby. The key is to be fully present in these moments. Remember that children are a gift, not a burden, and enjoying them is one of the great rewards of fatherhood.

Anguish: Facing the Hard Stuff

Fatherhood isn’t always laughter and rainbows. Dads can face difficult circumstances, from navigating a divorce to dealing with a child’s struggles or a personal loss. This can lead to a sense of anguish. It's easy to feel crippled by past mistakes or the burdens of a fatherless upbringing. This pain can also come from a child’s poor choices or from the everyday stress of life.

The most important step in dealing with this anguish is to share it. Talk with a trusted friend, family member, or a professional who can help you shoulder the burden. Being transparent about your struggles prevents the pain and stress from making you bitter or overly critical with your kids. Facing negative emotions honestly is a courageous act that can free you to enjoy the good times and help you become a more resilient father.

Reflection: Looking Back to Move Forward

The best fathers are constantly evaluating themselves and making adjustments. A dad at any stage of fatherhood can start that habit of regularly asking himself questions like: "Am I too busy to connect with my kids?" or "What issues do I need to discuss with my child in the coming months?"

Reflection helps you stay aware of mistakes and negative tendencies, and keep moving toward improvement. You’re also more likely to think ahead and help prepare your children for big steps that are coming and encourage their dreams and aspirations.

Tenderness and Tenacity: A Powerful Duo

I can’t resist adding an extra T to this framework. First, tenderness is gentle, calm fathering that can de-escalate conflict and build trust. As the proverb says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” So true with children! Some might feel that showing tenderness is a mother’s domain, but it’s vital for dads, too. It’s one of the most courageous things a father can do.

Tenacity is an unswerving commitment to your children even in the face of great difficulties. This means not giving up on maintaining a close relationship, even during the teenage years when a child might push you away. A tenacious dad finds ways to be effective despite obstacles, distractions and discouragement. He recognizes that his role is important—especially in tough times—and he’s determined to follow through.

Dad, the goal here isn’t perfection, but improvement. HEART fathering is about greater honesty and presence. Identify one of these five (or six) expressions that applies to you and really focus on it during the coming weeks and months. Take a positive step or two toward being the dad whose heart is engaged with his kids … the dad his kids really need.