Kids, Faith, and the Surprising Dad Factor

What’s the best way to pass your faith and values on to your children?

Some good guesses would include reading scripture, praying together, teaching right from wrong, attending worship services, having family devotions and one-on-one discussions about life. All those are important and highly recommended.

But the most important factor, according to one researcher, might surprise you. In his book Families and Faith, Vern Bengtson presents some eye-opening discoveries about what he calls “religious transmission”—passing faith to the next generation. His research found that “the pivotal factor” in whether children continue their parents’ faith is this:

A strong emotional bond with their father.

The other efforts we make won’t be effective if there isn’t a strong emotional bond between the dad and child. A warm, close relationship with one’s father makes the most difference when it comes to a child’s faith—even more than a good relationship with his mother.

To underscore how powerful this is, the same also appears to be true in nonreligious families: a strong emotional father-child bond creates the best chance for transmitting personal beliefs and values to the next generation.

You’ve surely heard the well-known axiom, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” It’s very relevant here. If we want our kids to really listen to us, respect our convictions, and learn to live by the truths that we hold dear, then we should make it a high priority to invest ourselves in building a close connection with each one.

How can we do that? Here are three suggestions to keep in mind:

Make your kids a high priority and let it show.

You love your kids and they’re very important to you. But can they see that in your demeanor and your decisions? Is there a sparkle in your eyes when you’re with them? Is it obvious that you’re interested in them and you’re there for whatever they may need? If you’re just going through the motions with them and you’re preoccupied or you’d rather be doing something else, they can tell.

Imagine how they feel when you’re willing to put aside what you’re doing because you really do enjoy being with them. That’s when they start trusting you more, opening up about what’s going on in their lives, and seeking you out to do things. It will take some intentional effort and energy, but it’s worth it.

If they are a priority, you’ll be eager to enter their world—not in an intrusive way but going out of your way to show interest in what interests them. This can be a challenge sometimes, but when you fully invest in finding out more about something your child enjoys and why he enjoys it, before long it will become interesting and fun for you, too. Best of all, you’ll get to see a side of your child that maybe you haven’t noticed before. It’s affirming for your child, and it takes your relationship to a new level.

Another great idea is doing one-on-one activities together. Away by yourselves, you’ll have more of each other’s attention and there’s a good chance questions and comments will come out that might not in a group setting. Schedule that time together regularly, whether it’s breakfast out on Saturdays, frozen yogurt every other Monday, or just a once-a-month activity. Your regular outing needs to be something they look forward to, so be alert for the need to switch things up.

Talk about life.

That might sound vague at first, but your kids need to hear your stories about experiences, events and people that have helped shape your faith through the years. Include conversations about the world today—what’s happening in your community or around the globe, and how your faith provides meaning and hope even in uncertain times. In that context, help your child identify her gifts and passions that God could use to make a difference in the years to come.

Find opportunities to push things deeper and risk discomfort. To have that close connection, you have to be willing to go beyond everyday, ordinary interactions and address tough issues. It might be a hard conversation about a problem habit or behavior. It might mean being vulnerable about your own shortcomings and possibly asking for forgiveness. It may involve expressing your love and appreciation for your child in a way that isn’t normal or natural for you. Just remember: the deeper the conversation, the deeper the relationship.

Be approachable.

Do your kids know they can come to you anytime, about anything? What’s the emotional atmosphere when you’re with them? Is there a feeling of easiness and acceptance, or more tension and distance?

Many dads don’t enjoy these kinds of questions, but they’re important because we too easily get caught up in our daily schedules and the challenges. We get distracted by our gadgets, hobbies, investments, and media. When kids interrupt, it isn’t unusual to get impatient or snippy with them. Sometimes we need to be reminded that our kids are more important than any of that.

As a dad, you will go through seasons where you feel more distant or more comfortable being around your kids. Maybe you had a great bond when your kids were younger, but as they got older things changed, and you don’t know how to get it back.

The goal is to pay attention to the overriding mood between you and each of your kids, whether it’s easy and affirming or there’s something missing. Be fully engaged with them and try to create the kind of bond that gives them confidence and security. They shouldn’t have to worry about questions like, What’s up with Dad? Or, Why can’t I ever do enough to please him? Too many of us felt that way with our dads, and it’s not a good place to be.

Part of being approachable is being predictable—having a steady demeanor, not too high or too low. Kids change! In first grade, they think you’re the coolest guy on the planet. As teenagers, they might be totally embarrassed by you. But no matter what, they’re still counting on you. Stay consistent and keep doing what you know is best through all the ups and downs.

Dad, matters of faith and spiritual truth are as important as anything else in life.

Please do all you can to give your kids a solid foundation here. Pull them toward you. Make them a priority. That warm, close connection will greatly increase the chance they follow in your footsteps of faith.