Strong Emotions, Gentle Response: Fathers and Self-Control

You can’t go very long in this world before hearing about another case of domestic violence. And while there are many exceptions, the vast majority of perpetrators are men. The examples on the news and the personal stories are heartbreaking, leaving many of us grappling with questions about what drives someone to harm a partner or child.

Each situation has its own complex root causes and factors that could be involved — including emotional challenges, a lack of healthy father figures, substance use, past childhood experiences, and many more. While we definitely aren’t experts in domestic violence at fathers.com, we know many dads struggle with issues related to anger and maintaining self-control through the ups and downs of family life.

Teaching and Modeling Self-Control

As fathers, our presence and our actions have a profound impact on shaping our children's behavior and values. Misusing this position is a serious matter. Teaching our kids self-control is important — showing them how to respect others, handle strong emotions, and prioritize others above themselves. And our actions are even better teachers than our words.

Your children are watching, dad, and how you handle your emotions, especially anger, leaves lasting impressions. A shouting match, an outburst, or worse, physical violence, can echo in their minds for years, shaping their own future behavior in ways you might not intend. Likewise, when you respond to frustration with patience or de-escalate tension calmly, you’re laying a foundation for our children to do the same.

If handling strong emotions is challenging for you, you'd be wise to address now to ensure you aren't putting anyone close to you in danger, and to make sure you aren't at risk of forever changing your most important relationships.

Split-Second Choice or Planned Response?

We all face moments of frustration with our kids and in our marriages where our emotions threatened to take over. In those split seconds we have a clear choice, whether we recognize it or not: we can let loose and risk regret, or step back, regain clarity, and respond with restraint. It isn’t easy, but it’s critical.

One key step is to try to make these choices long before the difficult situations arise. We can learn to expect the unexpected — the difficulties and challenges and heated emotions — and we can be prepared to respond in a positive way, maybe even rehearse how we’ll act or what we’ll say. Because our children will disobey and do things that are careless or even cruel, and our spouses won’t always respond in the way we want them to. Being a husband and a father comes with those frustrations.

But here’s a truth we all need embrace and remind ourselves of every day: they don’t control our actions; we are the ones who determine how we respond. We have to find the inner strength, the faith, and/or the wisdom to pause and take a few breaths so we can give a gentle answer, be slow to anger, and not let strong emotions drive us to something crazy.

The Strength of Accountability

Ethan was on the verge of getting a divorce from his wife — a difficult situation with a lot of complex issues involved that was taking months to play out and was putting lots of strain on his children. He was also in an accountability group, and he credited those weekly meetings with helping him stay grounded. “If I didn’t have those guys,” he said, “I don’t know what I would have done.”

Ethan wasn’t likely close to carrying out some kind of domestic abuse, but his story helps to draw a clear connection between accountability and making good decisions, especially in tough circumstances. That’s one big benefit of meeting regularly with other like-minded men: When the storms of life come — and they will — you’ll have a committed circle of guys to support you, pray for you, and help make sure you’re thinking straight.

There’s incredible value in surrounding yourself with like-minded men who will hold you accountable. Such groups create a shared commitment to doing what’s right and avoiding negative patterns. Especially if you didn’t have a father to teach you these lessons, a group of committed men can fill that gap, offering wisdom and encouragement. And even if you did have a strong father, you still need a dad group to help you stay on track.

If domestic violence feels far removed from your life, that’s a blessing. But you likely know someone who struggles with self-control or strong emotions. Now might be the time to invite a friend or acquaintance to join an accountability group — or to start one. A small dose of support could be transformative for that man and his family.

As dads, we have the power to shape our children’s futures and break cycles of violence. Let’s model self-control, lean on our faith, and support one another to be the servant-leaders our families and communities need.

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