Your Kids Need a Great Dad. You Might Be a Big Reason They Get One.

Most weeks we write for dads, but this week is for the moms. If you're a dad who's stumbled across this one, feel free to pass it along. (Just do it with an open hand: no hints, no expectations, no "I told you so." Leave the rest to her.)

With Father's Day just a few weeks away, this is a good moment to think about one of the most meaningful things you moms can do for your children's dad — not something that comes in a box, but something that lasts much longer. It turns out you have more influence over your children's dad than you may realize — not just as a partner, but specifically as a parent. What you say to him and how you respond to his fathering helps to shape the kind of dad he becomes.

When we have asked dads the question, "Who has had the most influence on your fathering?" the most common answer was not a mentor, a coach, or even their own father. It was their wife.

More Influence Than You Know

In many families, mom is the gatekeeper of dad's involvement — often without realizing it. Research published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that a mom's words of encouragement or criticism measurably affect how involved a dad becomes with their children. Most moms wouldn't be surprised by this, but it's worth knowing just how directly that dynamic plays out. When a mother praised her partner's efforts, he took a more active role. When she criticized, he lost confidence or withdrew.

That word — withdrew — deserves a closer look. A dad doesn't always leave loudly. More often he just quietly stops trying. He starts traveling more. He finds things to do in other rooms. He retreats to the edges of family life, trying to stay out of the way. Not because he doesn't love his kids, but because the message he received — usually not even intentionally — was that he can't get it right. Most dads already wonder privately whether they're the dad their kids need. They don't need confirmation of that from the person whose opinion matters most.

You probably don't intend to send that message. Almost no mom does. But the impact can shape a dad's feelings about fatherhood for years, not just days.

What Discourages Dads

In a survey of dads, we found patterns that cause them to pull back: feeling belittled, being corrected in front of the kids, feeling like nothing they do is quite good enough, having their decisions reversed, or hearing their own fathers criticized.

Here's an important note all moms should keep in mind: nearly half of dads in that survey said their wives never discouraged them. So this doesn't apply to every household; it's a common pattern to be aware of and avoid.

The small things add up. Re-doing something he just did for the kids. The eye roll when the diaper leaks. Stepping in mid-discipline to adjust his approach. Each one alone might seem minor, but together they communicate: This is my domain, not yours. And many dads will eventually start to believe that.

What Support Actually Looks Like

Here are three practical things that make a real difference:

Give him space. His bedtime routine with the kids doesn’t have to look like yours. His way of playing with the kids, dressing the kids, navigating a conflict, or handling a meltdown can be different from yours and still be good. Unless there truly is a threat to the kids' safety, let him find his footing without the correction. He needs to build his own bonds in his own way.

Give him genuine feedback. Tell him specifically when he does something right. Not a performance review — just a real, honest moment: "The kids loved that. You're good at this." Also, pass along things he may have missed: "I think Sammy was hurt by what you said at dinner." That kind of information equips him to engage rather than leaving him to guess.

Give him time alone with the kids. This is harder than it sounds, especially for moms who are used to running the show. But those solo hours — just dad and the kids, figuring it out together — are where real bonds form. Let it be imperfect. Let it be his.

This Isn't Just for Him

Here's the part that often gets missed: when you invest in your husband's fathering, you aren't just doing him a favor. You're getting a genuine partner in this, not just a roommate who also loves your kids. You're giving your children two fully engaged parents, and you're lightening your own load. We've consistently found that effective fathers are committed to a loving — or at the very least, respectful — relationship with the mother of their children. That investment flows in both directions.

For single moms this dynamic can be more complicated, but the principle holds. The more you can support your children's father's involvement, even through difficulty, the better for your kids.

Honoring your children's father is like wind filling the sails of a boat. You can propel him toward things he never thought he could achieve — as a dad and as a man. Your encouragement fills his sails and helps carry your whole family forward.

Your kids needa great dad. And you might be a big reason they get one.