You're Not Alone: 3 Fears Every New Dad Faces

by Matt Haviland

We all know the feeling — or if you're a dad who's expecting your first child, you'll know it very soon:

I'm going to be a father!

In that moment — whether it's a positive pregnancy test, a doctor's confirmation, hearing that first heartbeat, or getting a call from an adoption agency — there can be overwhelming feelings of excitement and fear. Sometimes they come in that order, or sometimes those and other emotions hit all at once.

Those fears are normal, and they’re worth reflecting on because the uncertainties that come with first-time fatherhood are real, common, and can hold a man back from being the dad he wants to be.

Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield, who has spent years working alongside fathers, has noticed a pattern among dads in similar situations: "Men would rather do nothing than do it wrong."

Maybe that sounds familiar to you. Or perhaps you embrace new challenges, viewing trials and life experiences as opportunities for personal growth.

Wherever you land on that spectrum, you're in good company. Below are three of the most common fears I've encountered over many years of working with first-time dads. And although these are legitimate and understandable, they don’t have to paralyze your everyday life during these amazing first few months and years of fatherhood. Take a deep breath, dad. You’ve got this!

Fear #1: “I’m not ready.”

News flash: No one is! When you hear that first cry — or even more, when you walk out of the hospital with your baby and those automatic doors close behind you with the hospital staff back inside — a sobering realization hits and a heavy Gulp! creeps up in your throat.

Thousands of books have been written about fatherhood, and yet no one has ever aced the role 100%. My advice: utilize all the great resources and support you can find — and give yourself lots of grace. What’s available in your community will vary — including nonprofits, early childhood programs, parent support groups — and you’ll find a wealth of options for help and connection online as well. When I first joined “the dad club,” I quickly discovered how much help was around me. I just never had a reason to look before.

Fear #2: “I will fail.”

Yes, you will. You’ve probably heard plenty of quotes about failure, like my personal favorite from Michael Jordan, where he lists the many missed shots and lost games he’s experienced, then says, “I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” Or the well-known adage: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” (Especially when you have the right tools and know how to apply them to the situation.)

Both ring true, and they work best for the dad who stays teachable. Trials produce perseverance, and perseverance builds character. You have to be willing to receive correction — whether it comes from your partner, a book, a podcast, or even yourself. Set aside pride and embrace the opportunity to become better. And as your kids grow, watching you admit you were wrong and work to make it right may be one of the most powerful things they ever see from you.

Fear #3: “I didn’t have a good role model.”

This is more common than you may realize. The lack of an involved, committed father or father figure isn’t limited by income, background, or zip code. Over and over, I've seen dads who didn't have a good role model go one of two ways — they either repeat the cycle and the negative patterns, or they become determined to be different for their kids and often end up being some of the best dads I've ever seen. (I'd like to think I'm the latter.)

It's true that growing up without healthy role models is often a disadvantage, but your determination and commitment as a dad matter more than your starting point. You have a chance to break the cycle of generational dysfunction and write a new narrative for your family.

You may have noticed a pattern in how I responded to each of these fears — how my first few words probably weren't very encouraging. That's because what you fear will probably happen. You can't be fully “ready” for fatherhood. You will fail in some ways. None of us had a perfect role model for fatherhood. So yes, the fears are legitimate — but just about every dad has felt the same way, and many of them work through it and learn to become incredible fathers. That can be you, too.

If you just became a dad for the first time or you’re expecting your first child, I could not be more excited for you! Fatherhood is one of the most profound responsibilities you will ever have, but it’s also among the greatest adventures you’ll ever go on. Embrace the challenge. You can thrive as a dad despite these fears — they don't have to paralyze you.

‍

‍

Matt Haviland is the director of Alpha Men’s Center, a division of Alpha Grand Rapids, in Grand Rapids, MI. He is married to his amazing wife, Christy, and is the father of two great kids. Matt has been working with fathers since 2008 and understands just how valuable dads are to their families and communities. A native of Grand Rapids, he enjoys family time, reading, playing golf, and being outside in almost any Michigan weather.

‍

‍