Dad, What’s the Real Agenda?

You’ve probably seen this in business meetings: someone walks in with a printed agenda—a list of things that need to be said, decided, or done. But have you ever thought about how this idea applies to your conversations at home?

According to John Sanford in his book Between People, communication works the same way. Most people, including your kids, come into a conversation with something they want to say or achieve. There’s an agenda—even if they don’t hand it to you on paper.

Take this for example:
Your daughter says, “I want pizza tonight.” Easy. Her agenda is clear.
But if she says, “Dad, I’m tired of school,”—that might not be the full story. There’s probably something deeper going on.

Dad, Don't Block the Agenda

Here’s where we often miss it as dads. A lot of us like things to be straightforward. We want the facts, solutions, action steps. But our kids? They don’t always come out and say what’s really on their hearts. And if we’re busy, tired, or distracted, we might shut things down before we ever find out what’s actually going on.

So your daughter says she’s tired of school. You’re trying to get out the door, so you reply:
“You don’t have to like school, but you still have to go.”
Conversation over. Agenda blocked.

But what if you looked deeper? What if you paused and responded,
“Tired of school? That’s not like you—you’ve always liked your teachers.”

Now you’re opening a door. She might respond. Clarify. Add something. And if you stay with her through a few more exchanges, you might uncover the real issue: maybe her best friend is spending time with someone else. Maybe she feels left out. Maybe she's lonely.

Go Below the Surface

Remember, feelings are layered. One issue often leads to another. If you listen long enough, you might discover that she’s still upset about the time you moved across town and she had to leave her old friends. You can’t help her process what’s hidden unless you’re patient enough to uncover the full story.

So here’s a simple rule of thumb:
When your child starts talking, ask yourself—What’s the agenda?
Then listen like it matters. Because it does.

It might feel awkward at first. But every great conversation starts with a dad who keeps showing up, keeps asking questions, and keeps listening—past the surface and into the heart.

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