Questions to Help Dads Connect Heritage & Legacy

by Ken Canfield, Ph.D.

Becoming a father is life-changing in many ways, as all dads know. At some point, often during the first few weeks or years of fatherhood, there is a kind of nexus between the past and the future in each man’s journey.

Regarding the past, fatherhood often brings up memories and feelings related to our own fathers or father figures—or, for some, the lack of father influences during our childhood. Some of us have a lot of healing to do because of the past, and it might be a long process. Since none of us had perfect fathers, there are issues to process, things to learn. There are ways we want to carry forward the habits and patterns of our dads, and ways we want to be different.

Questions to Help Dads Connect Heritage LegacyAt the same time, having a child also drives us to think and plan for the future. We want to do our best for our children and grow into the best dads we can be, and we want to use our influence to help our children thrive and become responsible, caring, successful adults—however we might define “success.” We may even start thinking about that day many years from now when we are grandfathers or even great-grandfathers, and how we will be remembered by the people closest to us.

There’s a hand-in-hand connection between our heritage and our legacy as fathers.

We process the past while planning for the future—for us, for our children, and beyond.

With that in mind, I came up with a brief exercise for fathers consisting of two sets of six questions. And note that even if you’re pretty far down the road of fatherhood, these can be useful to you, too. We’re never really done dealing with the past and looking to what’s ahead.

These first six questions challenge you to ponder the impact of past experiences leading up to when you became a dad, especially related to your own father. Think about these questions:

Reflecting on your relationship with your father or father figure …

  • How would you describe his support of you?
  • Did he regularly show you affection?
  • Was he present and accessible to you growing up?
  • Did he struggle with substance abuse or was he unfaithful to your mother?
  • Did he abuse you or another family member?
  • In what ways was he a good example for you? How was he a negative role model?

I realize that it you might not want to think about the past in relation to the future. Maybe you don’t think there’s a point, or there could be unresolved pain. But it’s important to do this, because the present and future are critically linked to the past.

If some difficult memories are still holding you back and you aren’t on a path toward healing, please do what’s necessary to get help. Join a recovery group or see a professional or a spiritual advisor to help you gain a sense of resolution and freedom, so you can engage with your kids without those hindrances.

Now, the second set of questions will prompt you to plan for the future and be intentional about your legacy—investing time, energy and other resources for your children’s future benefit, to help their dreams become reality.

In light of your heritage, consider your legacy:

  • What values and skills do you want to pass on to your children?
  • What are your child’s greatest challenges?
  • What are his greatest strengths and gifts?
  • How can you strengthen your relationship with her in the coming year?
  • What physical and emotional resources will be required for your son or daughter to face the future with confidence?
  • Whom can you count on for support and counsel as you father your children?

(Note that some of these ask you to consider each of your children separately.)

Really think about all these questions. Capture your responses for future reference. Discuss them with your wife or someone else who knows you well.

As a dad, it’s important to make peace with your father—or your memory of him. By doing so, you simultaneously secure an anchor in the past and build a bridge to the future. And as you connect your children to your heritage, you can gain a sense of purpose as you seek to build a strong legacy.

What insights did you gain from these questions? How were you challenged to be a better dad? Please share and encourage other dads on our Facebook page.

 

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