Sometimes our children can bring real challenges to us as fathers. Sometimes they say crazy things, but with passion and conviction. Maybe they make decisions based purely on emotion, with no real thought about long-term consequences.

As dads, these are real tests of our patience.

And it’s good to remember that one of the main jobs of all kids is to test their parents’ boundaries and values as they figure out what’s true, right, and reliable in the world. (And there’s a lot for them to figure out!) We know that it’s just part of growing up, but it’s still difficult to deal with on a daily basis—especially if we have a compliant child who doesn’t outwardly challenge us as often as another one, who’s more persistent.

For many, this is most common during our kids’ teenage years. They are growing more intelligent and are being exposed to different ideas and ways of life, and sometimes they think they have it all together; they have the world all figured out. And of course they’re very willing to share their opinions about how life at home should be.

Is it any surprise that this stage of the fathering journey is marked by the lowest levels of satisfaction?

An example comes from a dad named Adam. One day he and his 14-year-old son were in the middle of one of those battles, and the boy said,

“You’re the worst dad ever. You don’t do anything for me.”

It was an impulsive statement in the heat of the moment, but that’s the kind of thing a dad doesn’t forget.

So here’s what Adam did. During the next few days, he put some figures together and came up with an invoice for all the money he had spent on his son so far during his life. He itemized equipment and team costs for four different sports, trips and vacations, clothing, school supplies, toys, computers, food, and on and on. He also listed “dad’s hours,” but as he said, there’s no price on those.

The total on the sheet Adam handed to his son was just under $850,000. (His number is reasonable, although it’s about double the current estimates in 2025. Of course it depends on where you live, family lifestyle choices, and which expenses you choose to include. Plus, Adam surely felt like there were reasons to amplify his figures here and there.)

Did Adam’s approach have the desired effect? We never heard. There’s a good chance son’s instant reaction was to get more angry and defensive; it probably didn’t bring them toward more understanding and connection as a father and son. Here’s what the story does confirm:

Many children don’t appreciate what they have.

That might sound like one of those stereotypical statements someone will make right after saying, “Kids these days …” But it’s really just how many kids are, and how they have been for a long time.

So, when we run up against that kind of attitude in our homes, our first thought might be to defend ourselves, try to make a strong point, and teach our kids a lesson, like what Adam did. Another reasonable option would be to take away a privilege until the child changes his attitude. After all, that’s how the real world works; if he smarts off to his boss someday, there will be consequences. That’s a lesson worth teaching.

But there’s a balance to this also. As adults we have a long-term perspective, and we need to be the more mature ones in the equation. We know that a few years down the road, young people get a bit wiser and figure out more about life. They might even realize how dedicated their parents were and are.

With that in mind, sometimes as dads it makes more sense to not get caught up in the emotions or the need to win the argument. Sometimes it’s better to just smile, maintain self-control and continue to do what’s best for him, knowing he’ll eventually grow out of the immature point of view. Chances are, he’ll be more open to learning from the situation if he isn’t also dealing with tension or hostility in his relationship with you.

As dads, we need to find that balance between “teaching him a lesson” and “maintaining our poise.”

Sometimes we do need to bring about tough consequences and teach our kids important lessons. Other times, we can just smile, show patience, and remember that they’re good kids for the most part and they’ll figure it out in time.

Hang in there, dad. It’s all worth the effort.

What are some typical situations when you need to show more patience or resist getting drawn into an argument? Talk about it with another dad or leave a comment on our Facebook page.