Dad, Don't Make Them Wait a Lifetime

Neil Chethik was at his grandfather's house after he passed away. He was helping his father sort through belongings, when he heard a sound he hadn't expected: a guttural groan. He found his father weeping.

"I am crying not only for my father," his father said, "but for me. His death means I'll never hear the words I've always wanted to hear from him — that he was proud of me, proud of the family I'd raised and the life I've lived."

Then his father turned to Neil and said:
"So that you never have to feel this way too, I want to tell you now how proud I am of you, of the choices you've made, of the life you've created."

Neil tells this story in his book FatherLoss, adding that those were the most memorable words his father ever said to him.

A Need That Doesn't Go Away

Far too many grown men and women are walking around in similar situations — still hoping to hear affirmation from their dads that hasn’t come yet. Maybe you’re one of them.

In seminars around the country, I have asked groups of men: “Did your father regularly express his love to you when you were growing up?” It’s rare for more than about 25 percent of them to raise their hands. That means three out of four adults — regardless of background, income, or success — grew up without regularly hearing it.

Some never do. They wait a lifetime.

Joe Ehrmann, a former NFL player who has spent years coaching and working with young men, puts it plainly: "Most of us have a huge father pain somewhere deep down inside, a huge father longing, because we have never been accepted, never been embraced the way we need to be."

This isn't a fringe experience.

Start Now

Children at every age and stage need to hear it from their dads. A toddler needs it in the simplest terms: "I love you." "I'm so glad you're mine." An eight-year-old is actively forming a picture of who she is and whether he measures up, and a dad's words carry enormous weight in that process. A teenager needs it perhaps more than any other stage, even when he rolls his eyes or acts like he doesn't care. And a college student heading into adulthood still checks in to see if dad is watching and approving — and still needs to know that Dad is proud of her.

Dad, don't wait for a milestone moment or a perfect opportunity. Tonight’s dinner or tomorrow’s drive home from practice might be your moment to speak those words.

The earlier you build this kind of affirmation into your relationship, the better. A child who grows up hearing that consistently from his dad takes it with him every day and on into adulthood — and is far less likely to spend those years longing for something he never received.

Children at any age need to be blessed and encouraged by their dads. They long to hear that they are respected and appreciated. Something in them remains unsettled without it. The window is open — but it doesn't stay open forever.

Why Dads Hold Back

Most dads who don't regularly say these things will recognize themselves in one of four explanations:

"I don't know what to say." This one is solvable — and the next section will help with that some. The words don't have to be eloquent; they just have to be specific and sincere.

"I don't want my child to get a big head." This one misunderstands what affirmation actually does. It doesn't inflate your kids — it grounds them. A child who knows his dad sees something genuinely valuable in him is more secure, not more arrogant.

"They already know how I feel." This one is while well-intentioned, but it misses something important. Knowing abstractly that your dad loves you is not the same as hearing him say specifically what he sees in you and what makes him proud. And just because you said it once three years ago doesn't mean you're done. Your kids need to hear it monthly, weekly, even daily if possible.

“My dad never said it to me either.” They grew up without a model for it, and somewhere along the way the silence became the default. That's not a character flaw — it's a pattern that gets passed down without anyone choosing it. But recognizing it is the first step toward breaking it, and your kids are worth that step.

Show Up and Speak Up

Support their endeavors. If something is important to them, make it important to you. Find legitimate reasons to praise your kids often. Look your son or daughter in the eye and say, "I’m proud of you." When you see extra effort or a glimpse of something new they're attempting, go a little overboard with encouragement.

Be specific. "I noticed how you handled that situation with your friend. That took real character." "You handled that better than I would have at your age." "I've been watching how hard you've been working lately. That's my kid."

Some more great reminders: Let them know you're interested in their lives — ask about what matters to them and actually listen to the answers. Point out their strengths. Express confidence before the big game, the exam, the recital. Have the courage to say "I was wrong" and "I'm sorry" when necessary. And come right out and say, "I love you."

One Harvard graduate who became a producer at a major news network described her father's influence simply: "My dad always listens to me and values my opinions. My dad believes in me." That's what consistent affirmation looks like in an adult whose dad got this right.

Dad, make sure your positive words echo in your children's hearts and minds, even long after you're gone.