Dads & Sibling Conflicts: Be Coach More than Referee

Dad, when your kids are getting after each other, do you view that as a problem or an opportunity?

You surely have some experience with sibling conflicts. "I had it first!" "It's my turn!" "He's bothering me!" "She’s breathing too loud!" It's never fun dealing with kids who get on each other's nerves. They annoy, taunt, poke and punch. They tease each other almost as if it's their job. (And maybe it is.)

As much as it bothers us when our kids do this, those day-to-day conflicts are also opportunities for our children to develop important skills at a young age, and they can learn a lot about their own temperament and their strengths and weaknesses. They're figuring out how relationships work — taking chances, making mistakes, hurting feelings and getting hurt — all within the relatively safe confines of family.

As fathers, we want our kids to learn to get along. But so often, in the heat of the moment, our main goal becomes ending the ruckus and restoring order as quickly as possible rather than helping them learn. We need to be a coach more than a referee, guiding them to build skills rather than just blowing the whistle to stop the chaos.

So, what's the best way to handle sibling issues that seem to go on and on? Here are some time-tested, common-sense guidelines.

Preventive Measures

Build a strong and affirming connection with each of your kids individually. There are always underlying issues under the surface for each child — needs, hurts, desires and feelings. As a dad, you occupy an important position in your child's world, and it’s a feasible goal to help them feel so secure that sibling issues are much less bothersome. Maybe small slights won't hurt as much or they'll feel no need to compete with their brother or sister.

You can achieve that by simply being the dad you know they need. Spend lots of one-on-one, undistracted time with each of your children. Pour yourself into their lives. Empathize with their feelings, be dependable, and keep your promises. Make sure each child is getting lots of verbal encouragement and physical affirmation.

Plan positive family activities. Having fun and laughing together helps each child see that he or she can enjoy other family members, and often we have to be intentional about creating opportunities and space for that to happen. And healthy competition definitely has its place, but the best case here is to find activities where everybody wins and has fun and there’s no loser — or maybe where everyone is working together toward a goal.

Also do things as a family that allow your kids to exhibit their own individual strengths. For example, if one child is an athlete and another isn't, mix in a variety of outings so each kid will have a chance to shine or be in his or her element. That will help them learn to appreciate and respect each other.

Set up schedules for who can do what and for how long. This works well for playing with a certain toy or video game. If the kids agree up front that the schedule is fair, they'll be less likely to fight it later.

Use regular family meetings to establish and reinforce your family's values. Get specific about fighting and name-calling, and make note of any successes or progress in those areas.

In the Moment

Whenever possible, stay out of it. Don't jump in too quickly. In many cases, kids should learn to work out their own conflicts. When a parent gets involved, usually things only get more heated and intense and the focus can shift from the issue at hand to whether Dad is being fair or playing favorites. And if you lose your cool and yell at or belittle the kids, suddenly that becomes the most intense drama of the moment and distracts everyone from the other issues — and any opportunities there may be to learn or grow stronger relationships.

Of course, this does not mean you’re totally checked out of the situation and ignoring what they’re doing. If a child is in danger of being physically hurt or being put down or excluded, then step in. But if they are simply whining or being a bother, then encourage them to find their own win-win solutions. If you do get involved, try to coach them toward a resolution instead of doing it for them, and focus on reinforcing positive skills and character traits.

Don't talk about who's to blame. It isn't your job to determine who's at fault or "who started it." It really doesn't help things, and besides, everyone involved shares at least some responsibility. It's better to talk about what they can do now to resolve it, and how to handle it more positively next time.

Separate your children if needed. This isn't you resolving the issue, it's giving them a chance to cool down and do some thinking. You might even tell them to spend that time thinking of at least one way they can avoid or resolve the conflict next time.

Any list of tips runs the risk of minimizing the challenges and the strong emotions everyone feels when kids are squabbling. But remember: you can take constructive action — or calmly let them find a solution. By stepping up as a coach rather than a referee, you can equip your kids to learn to enjoy each other more, work out their conflicts, and maybe even turn those squabbles into lasting bonds and a tighter family down the road.

There is hope for your fighting kids, and dad, you can be a part of the solution.

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