What My Daughter Wrote About Me — From a Dad Who Kept Showing Up

by Matt Haviland

"My dad shaped me into who I am today."

That’s the opening line of a paper my daughter wrote in college two years ago, which she gave to me as a Christmas present that same year. Her assignment was to write about someone who had influenced her life. As a dad, there may be no greater words to receive from a child.

It hasn't always been this way. My story isn't a secret: my daughter's mom and I never married, and I was a single dad for the first nine years of her life. Because there wasn't a parenting time order in place for a year, I wasn't able to see my daughter on her first Christmas Day. That was one of the worst days of my life. I couldn't have ever imagined that eighteen years later, Christmas would be one of the most rewarding days. A lot happened in between.

After my daughter showed me what she had written, I interviewed her to see what I could learn that might benefit other dads. Common subjects she brought up were the importance of single fathers interacting and checking in regularly with their kids and the importance of communication between parents. I acknowledged that she'd seen plenty of my flaws over those eighteen years, and asked her to name some things I did right. Her answers included always being there for her, never giving up on her, taking the time to listen and understand her, and helping her grow in her faith.

I’m passing along these insights not because I’ve done everything right as a father, but because I might be an example of how a dad’s love and dedication can produce a steadfastness and hope that can see you through the tough times.

Meeting Our Kids Where They Are

Early in my parenting days, I attended a fatherhood conference. One of the biggest takeaways was from a national survey where adolescents were asked what they wish their dads would do more often. The number one answer? Listen. That stuck with me. As adults, we often forget how hard it is to be a kid. Slowing down and genuinely trying to understand where my daughter was coming from brought me into her world in ways I didn't expect.

Whether you have full, partial, or minimal custody, consider these questions:

     · How intentional are you with your children and the time you have together?

     · Do you pause to slow down and bring yourself into your child's world?

     · Using the time you have been given with your child, what are you excelling at, and what could be improved?

Setting Ourselves to the Side

Coparenting — now there's a hot topic. I once heard a coparenting expert say, "Healthy coparenting is separating what's personal from what's parental." Let that sink in for a moment. Parenting in general requires an enormous amount of sacrifice. I often tell new dads that being a parent drives us to a depth of love and commitment that we simply can't find any other way. As a father, you may rise early and stay up late to create margin for your family. Parenting can seem like a thankless job, but small sacrifices on our part today help build strong and thriving adults in the future.

Yes, court orders should be followed and it's wise to make compromises when necessary for the sake of the kids. But when we become more focused on keeping score of what isn't fair than on the long-term well-being of our children, we've taken our eyes off what matters. It becomes petty competition that doesn't benefit anyone — least of all the kids.

Communication with the Other Parent

There’s a proverb that says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Or, as we learned as kids, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." Words matter.

During our interview, my daughter emphasized that when parents can communicate and keep their kids out of the middle, it helps to protect the children’s sense of peace and belonging. If the other parent won’t communicate well, then find other ways to be informed and involved, like staying in contact with schools and doctor's offices. When things get tense with your child's mom, check yourself before responding — whether in person or by text. This starts with examining your own heart long before a conflict arises. Anything you can do to keep your child’s stress level down is worth it. The idea here isn't to be a doormat; it's to be a father who keeps his eyes on what matters most, now and down the road.

Hearing Between the Lines

Most of us know what it means to read between the lines. When it comes to our kids, learning to hear between them matters just as much. It's the ability to read our kids, discerning any differences between what they are saying and what is really going on. It means staying tuned in to their hearts, even when outside distractions are pulling at ours.

Being a parent is a 24/7/365 effort to continually learn. Our kids are always growing and their world is ever changing. When talking with your son and daughter, consider any factors that may be influencing them, for better or worse. Some of the most fruitful and impactful conversations I’ve had with my daughter have been during short car rides back to her mom's house, playing catch in the front yard, or during breakfast.

A Foundation of Hope

The title of my daughter's paper is A Faith Journey Between a Father and Daughter. Here’s how it ends:

There are so many reasons why I love you ... I thank God every day for blessing me with a father like you. You have taught me so many life lessons, so much about the Lord, so many dumb jokes ... you are the reason I am who I am today. You are the reason why I got through those tough times. You are the reason why I am still strong in my faith.

Faith may not be part of your story the way it is mine, and that's okay. But I’m convinced that I wouldn’t be the man or father I am today without my faith. I committed my life to God when my daughter was a baby, and that has been the most defining moment in my life and in our relationship. That’s the foundation I stand on.

Today, my daughter is thriving in many ways, and I couldn’t be prouder. I recently went through an old scrapbook I made for her high school graduation — filled with mini golf scorecards, movie tickets, and programs from significant events in her childhood. Some of those scrapbook pages brought up difficult memories for me as a father involving pressure from the other home, time constraints, or other conflicting factors. God has restored those years. In fact, within moments of reading her college paper, I felt as though many of the struggles I endured as a single dad were erased.

Stay the course, dad. Treasure every moment you have with your children — frequent or infrequent, big or small. My hope is that one day you too will see that it was all worth it.

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Matt Haviland is the director of Alpha Men’s Center, a division of Alpha Grand Rapids, in Grand Rapids, MI. He is married to his amazing wife, Christy, and is the father of a wonderful teenage daughter and a toddler son. Matt has been working with fathers since 2008 and understands just how valuable dads are to their families and communities. A native of Grand Rapids, he enjoys family time, reading, playing golf, and almost all outdoor recreation.

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