Dad: Be Your Son’s Sparring Partner

by Jay Payleitner

In a very real way, sons need to do battle with their fathers.

As he prepares to make his mark in the world, a boy needs to take stock of his own abilities, measuring himself against the man who forever will be the prototype for what it means to be a husband, father, protector, and provider. That's you, dad.

Doing battle with your son is not about breaking his spirit, butting heads maliciously, wielding your authority unfairly, or trampling his manhood. If that's where you're headed, exit that road quickly. Your job is to be a good sparring partner — figuratively and perhaps even literally.

Preparing for an upcoming bout, a boxer will spend hours in the practice ring with his sparring partner. Their goal is not to do physical harm to each other, instead it's to hone their skills, get into the best physical shape possible, and discover their own best strategies for victory. Does your son need to work on his jab, uppercut, or roundhouse? How is his footwork and blocking? Can he deliver a knockout punch? We can beat the metaphor to death, but suffice it to say, practice makes perfect. Because you care so much about your son, you are the ideal foil to help him determine his strengths and weaknesses while competing in a safe environment.

In the ring, sparring partners sometimes go half or three-quarter speed to allow their colleague to work on strategic moves. Both boxers are well protected with headgear and extra padding. Both boxers grow in the process without risk. Just so, a father can challenge his son in any physical or intellectual competition and both of you will gain wisdom and experience in the battle.

In early competitions, dad should expect to emerge victorious. As the years pass, the goal is for the son to prevail more and more often.

Should a father ever reduce his effort to let his son win? My recommendation is no. Your son will know right away if you're not doing your best. Then when he does eventually earn an authentic victory over his old man, he’ll never know for sure, and the significance will be lost. On the other hand, can a father manipulate circumstance so that a young warrior gets a taste of victory at an early age? Absolutely. Be clever. Be wise. Be humble and gracious in defeat.

Examples?

In one-on-one father-son basketball, let's say your middle schooler is playing the game of his young life and the score is very close. On your next few jump shots, see if you can muster all your skills to bounce your shot off the back of the rim and into his waiting hands for the rebound. Afterward, shake his hand and let him enjoy his victory, perhaps tolerating just a tiny bit of playful trash talk. Just make sure you dominate in the next few games. You don't want him to get too cocky.

In chess, if your son has been improving his skills by playing with peers, then maybe he has earned the right to taste victory against dad. Don't ignore your favorite strategies and certainly don't "accidentally" leave key pieces unprotected. Instead, simply don't use all the weapons in your arsenal including those strategies you learned from that old Russian chess master who hid in your attic during the Cold War. In other words, go three-quarter speed and see if your son rises to the challenge. It takes real artistry to throw a game of chess (or checkers) without your opponent realizing it.

Pick a competition, any competition. Soon enough he'll be beating your pants off. Then, because of your role as sparring partner, you can even take a small amount of credit for his improvement. Also, it will be ever so much sweeter each time he claims victory against one of his peers.

For now, go ahead and dominate in Ping-Pong and Scrabble. It's to your son's advantage if his father catches more fish, hits a straighter drive, or stacks a higher house of cards. As long as you can outperform him, do it. It will give the young man something to shoot for and a reason to keep asking you to play. Just don't forget to celebrate when he passes you by.

Even John D. Rockefeller believed in the value of competitive sharpening. He famously said he cheated his boys every chance he got, just to make them sharp. The goal wasn't to beat them down, but to build them up.

By the way, none of this applies to video games. Not once will you beat your son. Unless he lets you.

The Takeaway

Be the kind of competitor you want your son to be. Tenacious. Spirited. Honest. Humble. Courageous. Willing to practice. Eager to learn. Show appreciation when he hits a great backhand volley. Cheer when he sinks that birdie putt. You may have just found a worthy adversary to play once a week for the next 40 years.

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Jay Payleitner is a national speaker, best-selling author of more than 40 books, and frequent contributor to fathers.com. His books include Happy Semiquincentennial, America!, 52 Things Sons Need from Their Dads (from which this article was adapted), and 52 Things Daughters Need from Their Dads. Jay and his wife Rita live near Chicago, where they've raised five great kids, now have eight grandkids, and have loved on ten foster babies. For information on booking Jay to speak at your next event, visit jaypayleitner.com.

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