This week we’re addressing a question we received from a dad. He wrote:

Looking for some tips on staying calm at kids’ bedtime. Having to ask them to do their teeth and put their PJs on 50 &#%?@! times kills me, and then they get upset, then I get upset. Happens a lot.

Yes, it’s a common issue for many dads, and there are probably no easy strategies to quickly turn things around and make bedtime more peaceful and affirming for everyone—especially the kids. Instead, improving the bedtime routine with your kids will likely require some sobering reflection into your own habits and your overall approach to parenting. You might find room for some changes in how you handle those times with them.

Your Approach and Expectations

How do you think of that nightly time putting your kids to bed? Is it a burden? Maybe one more obligation to check off in your day? Maybe, like this dad, it’s been tense and stressful so often that every night you’re bracing for the worst, expecting the kids to be hyper, disobedient and out-of-control.

There are a few important things to remember that might help you gain perspective on that time:

First, remember that some dads view bedtime as a priceless opportunity. There are some dads who would give anything to be able to put their kids to bed at night. Some dads see it as a chance to invest in their kids, have important conversations, just have fun together, maybe pray over them, and leave them feeling affirmed and loved as they drift off to sleep. If the kids are trying to think of different ways to stay up later, isn’t that good because you get more time with them?

Are those unrealistic, pie-in-the-sky ideas that are impossible in some households? Maybe. But you can probably see that some of it is affected by the attitudes and expectations you bring to the situation. So, maybe start by asking yourself if you’re taking that time with your kids for granted. Or maybe you’re letting frustrations from work or other areas of life affect you during that evening time with your children.

Also, you can’t always control what your kids do, but your response and your attitude are up to you. You’re the adult in the room, right? That doesn’t mean staying calm will be easy or come naturally for you, but you’re probably better equipped to recognize when they’re just trying to push your buttons or manipulate you to get what they want. If bedtimes are always tense and difficult, maybe prepare yourself mentally and be ready to respond with a smile, calm words, and overall gentleness. No, it isn’t easy, but it’s worth your efforts to grow and move in that direction. And if handling anger is a struggle for you, take that seriously and get help.

Bigger Parenting Issues

What happens at bedtime can also reflect more general parenting tendencies. It might not be fun to hear sometimes, but how you respond to your kids in different situations over time trains them. They learn pretty quickly what to expect from you. For example, they know that when Dad tells them to put on their pajamas, he doesn’t really mean it until the third, tenth, or maybe fiftieth time he says it—or maybe until his voice reaches a certain volume or he starts slamming doors.

A big part of parenting is being consistent in your words and actions, meaning what you say and expecting your kids to hear it and heed it. Clearly, we’re talking about habits and patterns that have developed over the years, so you can’t expect to turn things around in a night or a month of nights. But things can get better. And maybe it needs to start with a difficult conversation with your kids’ mom where you recommit to an approach that works for you, following through consistently with meaningful consequences, and helping each other along the way.

Then, you may need to admit to your kids that you haven’t always handled things the best, but you’re committed to doing better and staying calmer, and that they should expect some difficult lessons when they ignore or disobey your requests.

Practical Day-by-Day Ideas

So what can you do each evening to help the bedtime process go more smoothly? Here are some ideas to try:

• Establish a routine. If your kids have a good idea what to expect from day to day, that’s a big plus. This also goes for you personally. Take ten or fifteen minutes to relax or remind yourself of what’s most important leading up to their bedtime.
• Start early. Mention that bedtime is coming an hour in advance. Maybe remind them of specific things they will want or need to do before then.
• Do things to help create a calm atmosphere. Put away or turn off devices and screens. Maybe dim the lights or initiate an activity that will lead to slowing down—like reading a book with them.
• Stay positive but stick to boundaries. Keep your tone of voice quiet and pleasant, if at all possible. Be gentle but firm and have a good response ready if they try to negotiate.
• … and still be flexible. Things happen, so be ready to adapt without letting frustration take over.
• Take a long-term perspective. Yes, this and other parenting challenges can be frustrating, but remember that these years will pass, your kids will grow and mature, and you may miss these times reading, giving hugs and tucking them in. You’re investing in your relationship with them for many years to come, and it might not be worth risking that over day-to-day bedtime challenges.

Dad, what would you add? What causes struggles for you, and what other tips can you share? Please join the discussion with other dads on our Facebook page.