Kids vs. Romance: Connecting with Your Bride

by Jay Payleitner

One of the oldest running jokes in the world is how kids put a halt to romance. And believe me, I get the joke.

The distraction and prohibition begin with the last trimester of pregnancy with your first child and ends when your youngest child leaves home. That’s very likely more than a couple decades.

Well, Valentine’s Day is a good reminder that having kids should not put an end to romance. Actually, just the opposite. When kids come along, Dad and Mom need to be even more intentional about coming together, communicating, and strengthening their marriage.

What you need is a plan.

A plan for making time for romance even though you’re both a little tired, you’re both a little distracted, and all your extra cash is already going for disposable diapers, book fees, field trips, piano lessons, braces, college funds, and so on. The little darlings are worth every nickel, but the budget for weekend getaways to Jamaica has dwindled considerably.

So how might you connect (or reconnect) with your co-parenting partner on a regular basis without adding even more stress to the bank account or calendar?

Meet for lunch.

Evenings can be crazy. Homework, after school activities, bedtime rituals … maybe you don’t think of lunch as a date, but it can be.

Take a day off during the school year.

If all your kids are in school, schedule a vacation day for just the two of you on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday. It doesn’t matter what you do. You could even do nothing. Culture says moms and dads need to save vacation days for family time. But wouldn’t an occasional day off as a couple be a blessing to your entire family?

Hire a baby sitter.

But instead of going out as a couple, pay for the sitter to take the kids to a movie or some other outing. Wouldn’t that be nice? Enjoying a quiet evening in your own home … mmm.

Drop the kids at church.

Lots of churches schedule activities for students from kindergarten through high school on Wednesday nights. When I speak to dads, I challenge them to volunteer at those event with the goal of connecting with their kids. But talking to couples, I would say don’t volunteer. One parent could drop off the kids while the other prepares a nice dinner at home. Or both parents drop off the kids and continue down the road for a two-hour kid-free outing. Just remember to pick ‘em up. Dad & Mom need to be intentional about strengthening their marriage.

Do the Disney distraction.

Bring home a pizza and pop in a kid-friendly movie. Suddenly mom and dad have at least 90 minutes of free time to chat, plan the family vacation, do taxes, or anything else you can think of.

Watch your friends’ kids.

If their kids get along with your kids, it’s a win-win. But the best news is that next week, your friends will watch your kids.

Call Grandma and/or Grandpa.

Ask them to watch the kids because you need some “quality time” as a couple. Go ahead and use air quotes. They’ll chuckle—and be delighted to help!

Catch a cat nap.

The idea of postponing romance until the kids are asleep is impractical and exhausting. Babies wake you anytime, day or night. School-age kids get tucked in at nine, but they may have a bad dream or need a glass of water in the middle of the night. Teens may come in after midnight. So squeeze in naps when you can. If Mom sneaks away for a twenty-minute snooze after supper, the kids may not even miss her. But that may provide her with a bit of energy when the house finally quiets down.

Make your master bedroom a haven.

If it seems like the redecorating budget goes toward the kids’ rooms and communal living space, redirect some of those funds to the master bedroom. A fresh coat of paint. Some nice art. Mood lighting. Window blinds. Most importantly, a door lock that works. If you have a master bathroom, count yourself fortunate and use that shower or tub creatively.

Kids should bring you closer. Don’t allow their needs to pull you apart.

You need time together to be the kind of parents God is calling you to be. So find time for long conversations and even longer romantic interludes. Or even just to go to a movie and hold hands. Your time together doesn’t have to break the bank. But do keep saving for that weekend jaunt to Jamaica.

Happy Valentine’s Day from everyone at the National Center for Fathering. (Oh yeah, order flowers early, Dad, and pick out a nice card before all the good ones are gone.)Just Connect with Your Bride. Just Be D

More from Jay at here.

52 Ways to Connect as a Couple

Jay Payleitner is a long-time friend and contributor for the National Center for Fathering. He is the best-selling author of 52 Things Kids Need from a Dad, and a popular speaker on marriage and parenting. Check out his book: 52 Ways to Connect as a Couple. More about Jay.

Action Points & Questions for Reflection and Discussion

  • Where would you rate the “romance” in your marriage right now on a scale of 1-10? Ask your wife where she would rate it, and where she would like it to be.
  • Sit down with your wife and talk about your schedules, the kids’ schedules, and where you can find time to have regular date nights — at least once a month if not more. (And talk about how you’ll work out the logistics of who will watch the kids, etc.)
  • What’s your perspective on how high a priority it should be to invest in your marriage as part of having a strong family? Does your wife agree?
  • Which of Jay’s 9 ideas are most feasible for you right now? Take the initiative and make one or two happen soon.
  • Commit to doing something thoughtful for your wife every day (even if it’s something small) for the next 2 weeks. Then just keep it going.
  • Is your marriage in trouble? Take action to do whatever is necessary to improve it. It really can get better, and it really will benefit your kids (and likely their kids, etc.).

Watch the replay of the Fathering Breakthrough Event

Join Dr. Ken Canfield and a handful of friends and partners as we give an update about our efforts to inspire and equip fathers all over the world.

There may be no more important work than turning the hearts of fathers to their children, and that’s what this is all about. We’re seeking to repair, rebuild and restore effective fathering for the benefit of children and families everywhere.