New Daddy Diary: Oh, please let that be chocolate

Once children enter your life, you begin to learn many aspects of life that are different now that you are a parent. One of those aspects is to not get so upset by things that otherwise would ruin your day. You also quickly learn one of the most vital tests parents can keep in their arsenal — the sniff test.

The sniff test comes in handy on so many occasions. The most important is when you discover a foreign substance on your clothing. It seems very simple, but not so fast. The sniff test must be conducted with the utmost of caution and delicacy.

Please be careful when beginning your own test and keep in mind these two simple — yet vital — rules:

1. Always be sure to isolate the foreign substance. For example, if you have just been holding your toddler, before you can place your nose close to the substance, you must first check your toddler for anything seeping from his waistline. If nothing has crept out of the waistband, you are clear to proceed to step two.

2. Never assume the foreign substance is chocolate, because it almost never is. This is the most important rule. If you defy the second rule, you will enter the parental club that has many members, none of whom will admit their membership.

However, I will admit to being a member of the club. Heck, after two kids and two dogs, I think I am president. I don’t know why, but it always happens to me, never my wife. Just the other evening, my wife Amberley and I were enjoying a glass of milk and a chocolate cookie.

After finishing our respective desserts, my wife informed me I had a piece of chocolate on my lap. It would seem natural that would happen after enjoying a freshly baked cookie, so I went to retrieve the final morsel.

As I raised my hand to my mouth, Amberley warned me, “You better make sure that is chocolate before you go any further!” I reassured her that it was simply chocolate. After all, I had changed our son more than 30 minutes earlier.

Well, as you can imagine, it wasn’t chocolate, and two days later I am still gargling mouthwash and Amberley is still laughing.

Joshua Johnson is a freelance writer known for his satirical style of writing about parenthood, marriage and life itself. Writing for magazines and newspapers throughout the country, Joshua has gained a global following of avid fans. Joshua also has years of experience as a technical writer. He lives in Louisiana with his wife Amberley and their three children.

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