by Dr. Ken Canfield

Dad, are you instilling in your children a strong “internal locus of control”?

You’re probably thinking, What does that mean? And I get it. It’s a term that I’ve come across as a researcher from time to time through the years. Some years ago, one study suggested that “children with highly involved fathers are characterized by a more internal locus of control,” among other benefits.

It sounds like something we dads should aspire to with our children, right? But it doesn’t seem very practical or motivating for dads. And how can we carry it out?

There’s a brief nugget from author Robert Wolgemuth that I believe is a powerful and practical illustration of this, from a book he wrote about fathering daughters:

When his two girls were quite young, he and his wife started planting this idea in them:

Saying “no” to themselves.

Evenings at the dinner table they would encourage their daughters to say “no” to themselves at least once the next day, and then they’d talk about it the following evening.

And the things they were saying “no” to weren’t always the typical negative habits that kids sometimes get into—like playing on their phones longer than allowed, leaving their rooms messy, being dishonest or disrespectful, etc. It actually works best when children learn to limit or deny themselves something that’s allowed and not necessarily bad. Maybe they choose to turn off the gaming system before their time limit is up, have only one cookie after school instead of two, share a toy more easily with a sibling, or end a phone call with a friend sooner than they might normally want to.

Those may seem simple and easy steps, but those decisions about cookies and time spent gaming can turn into habits and have much larger implications. Sooner or later, our children will be faced with more momentous right-and-wrong choices. Will he try that illicit drug when it’s offered? Will she spend long periods of unsupervised time with her boyfriend?

We hope our kids will make wise decisions in those situations.

We hope they’re brave enough to say “no” to dangerous opportunities that come their way. And it’s great if they say “no” because they know we would disapprove, but it’s even better if they say “no” because they determine it’s the best option.

We can help prepare them by giving them lots of practice at denying themselves. They can learn by repetition with small, everyday decisions that are positive acts of their will.

Don’t we all want our children to become self-disciplined adults, accountable for their own actions, able to delay gratification in favor of better benefits later on? Don’t many of us wish we had been trained better in these ways when we were young?

Dad, the good news is that, according to that research study, your children will likely see some of these benefits simply because you’re a highly involved dad. Healthy father engagement typically results in more responsible and well-adjusted kids.

But we can also be thoughtful and purposeful about this.

Maybe that will mean challenging and reminding your kids regularly throughout the week, like Robert and his wife did. Maybe you can be more vigilant about noticing and praising the good decisions your kids make. Maybe there’s a reward system that would work in your household.

Whatever your parenting approach might be, I hope you’ll consider ways to help your child grow in some of these ways … whether you call it “saying no,” an “internal locus,” or something else.

Do you have specific things you do to help your kids develop more self-discipline? Please share a tip that other dads can use on our Facebook page here.