Dad, Celebrate Your Kids on This New Holiday – Guest Blog

June 19, 2013 By Leave a Comment

 

After Mother’s Day last month, and then Father’s Day last weekend, have your kids ever asked you, “Hey, what about Son’s Day or Daughter’s Day?”

Todd WilsonOur friend Todd Wilson of familymanweb.com is an author, blogger and conference speaker. Several years ago he started celebrating that very thing—Kid’s Day. So we’re featuring Todd this week as a guest blog.

The first thing you should know is that Kid’s Day is on the first day of summer—the day with the most daylight hours. This year, the actual summer solstice falls either late on June 20th or very early on the 21st, depending on which time zone you’re in. To make it easier, let’s call it Friday, June 21st.

Here’s how Todd started celebrating Kid’s Day:

 

I have to admit there is satisfaction in having originated the holiday known as Kid’s Day, although I find it hard to believe that some well-meaning greeting card company hasn’t come up with the idea to sell cards. I mean if there is Boss’s Day, Secretary’s Day, In-law’s Day, and Postal Carriers-who-deliver-by-car Day, you’d think they’d have come up with Kid’s Day.

My inspiration came a few days before Father’s Day last year. Ben and Sam were being loudly secretive about the gift they had made, hoping to entice me to the point of frustration. I played their game for a few minutes, and then as though a light had been flipped on in Ben’s head, the merriment came to a sudden stop and he asked, “Hey, we have Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day…” (I could see where this was headed), “Why don’t we have Kid’s Day?”

My first thought was, “Because Kid’s Day is 365 days a year. You don’t have to go to work, shoulder any responsibility, clean up after sick people, or spend all your money on people who don’t appreciate it. What more could you want?” But I didn’t. Instead I said, “You’re right, there should be a Kid’s Day.” I tried to sound outraged that it had been overlooked all these years, but I was bothered more that the excitement of my day had been eclipsed by Kid’s Day.

Gathering myself up to my full five feet, ten and a half inches, I spoke in my official mayor-of-the-house-voice, “I declare the first day of summer to be officially known as Kid’s Day.” What better day to celebrate kid-dom than on the first day of summer fun. Unaware of the monster I released, we continued our ordinary lives and sailed right through Father’s Day towards the uncharted waters of Kid’s Day.

My wife made one thing very clear. This was my idea and my responsibility.

“That’s OK,” I reassured her, “I’ll take care of everything.” It was an easy promise to make; Kid’s Day was still three weeks away.

That was last year. We made it through our first Kid’s Day and a week ago, we celebrated our second.

They were ready this year. Back in March they started asking, “How many more days until Kid’s Day?” It was like we were on this eternally long road trip with the question asked every ten miles, “How much longer?” Gone were the days when they actually thought about Father’s Day. Now it was just a bathroom break on the way to the main event. Without saying it, I knew my wife was thinking: Good idea, Mr. Kid’s Day inventor.

how to be a father Celebrate Your Kids on This New HolidayI was bound and determined to make this year’s Kid’s Day a great day, not only for the kids, but for the whole family, and by Kid’s Day Eve the anticipation was thick. The only problem was that their idea of spectacular was bigger than my idea. Theirs involved unlimited supplies of money and time, of which I had neither.

The morning of Kid’s Day came. My alarm sounded, and I slid out of bed to begin the festivities. Ten minutes later, tiptoeing up the stairs and through the hallway, I opened the door to their bedrooms and entered with a tray of donuts, juice, a large stack of napkins for their breakfast in bed, and a cheerful “Happy Kid’s Day.”

“Wow,” they said, “we’ve never had breakfast in bed before.” Bingo! I was off to a good start.

After that, my plan was to head off to work, allowing them to play in the morning, and return at lunch time to let them open a few inexpensive gifts. This was going to work perfectly. Unfortunately, I had failed to go over the itinerary with the kids. By 9:30 a.m. my wife had called to inform me that our dear children were begging to open their gifts. From the tone in her voice, I sensed that a change in plans was the way to go.

We hung up, and I envisioned them opening their gift bags with squeals of delight. So you can imagine my disappointment when I got a phone call a few minutes later informing me that the dart guns I had purchased didn’t work, and they wanted to exchange them for something fun instead. Ouch.

Lunch time came, and naturally I had pictured a beautiful day with a picnic lunch in our yard. The rain dampened not only that plan but my mood as well, and I almost ruined lunch.

Next were naps, and I ran back to the office sulking about lunch.

The last leg of the Kid’s Day journey began with pizza on TV trays (the ultimate Kid’s Day dinner) and then off to a local arcade and play place. To make this part fun, I knew I’d need to spend money, which is hard for me. But I made up my mind and shelled out a few bucks for game tokens and ride tickets because our kids were worth it.

For the next hour, the kids ran from game to game, shoveling in tokens, and later redeemed their five dollars’ worth of winning tickets for five cents worth of prizes. We rode a few rides and went home, had snacks, got ready for bed, prayed together, and basked in the glory of a good day. And it was a good day. A day we have set apart to let our children know how much we love them and how grateful to God we are for them.

“And … hum, hmm …” [mayor voice] “should my strength remain, and the creek don’t rise, the first day of summer will forever be set aside as Kid’s Day.”

That night, as we said our last goodnights, Sam, who is the smiliest kid you’ll ever meet, said in an innocent voice, “Dad?”

“Yes, Sam,” I answered, “What is it?” I fully expected another request to stretch out the night.

“It was a good Kid’s Day today.” He said thoughtfully.

“It sure was,” I said, “Good night. I Love You.”

“I love you,” he answered back, and then he added, “Dad?”

“What Sambo?” I tiredly said.

“Can tomorrow be Doggie Day?” he asked with a giggle.

I thought for a second. We could make it kind of fun and silly for our dog Chewy…but then I answered, “No.” I knew better. “Good night, Sam. Sleep tight.”

 

Thanks, Todd!

Now, for the rest of you dads, this could be a great idea for your family, too. Think of it as one more reminder to let your children know: “You’re special. You are worthy. I’m glad you’re part of our family.”

If you run with this idea—or if you already do something similar—leave a comment below or on our Facebook page. I’d love to hear how it goes with your kids and how you celebrated the day.

Action Points for Dads to Make Your Child Feel Special EVERY Day

  • Get in the habit of surprising your child with a special treat—breakfast in bed, an hour at an arcade or another place he enjoys, a late-night ice cream run, etc. Tell him, “I just want to show you that it’s a privilege to be your dad.”
  • Leave your child notes of encouragement where she’ll find them at different times throughout the day.
  • Regularly tell your child what makes you proud of him. Point out the gifts and abilities you see.
  • When looking for ways to make your child feel special, think less about gifts and money and more about being generous with your time and your heart. Give more of your undivided attention.
  • A few weeks ago, I challenged you to start a new habit of one-on-one time with each of your children. If you haven’t yet, do it now! It’s a great way to make your kids feel special and loved.

 

Carey CaseyCarey Casey is the CEO of the National Center for Fathering, a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the culture of fathering in America by enlisting 6.5 million fathers who to make the Championship Fathering Commitment. NCF believes that every child needs a dad they can count on, and uses its resources to inspire and equip men to be the involved fathers, grandfathers and father figures their children need. Subscribe to his weekly email tip by clicking here: “Yes! I want tips on how to be a great dad who loves, coaches, mentors, and inspires my children.

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Dads and the Power of Smell (See Video)

June 13, 2013 By 1 Comment

 

Happy Father’s Day!

Earlier this week, I sat down and recorded a few minutes of video to encourage you. The basic message is probably not something you want to hear on Father’s Day: “Hey, dad. You stink!” But in this case, that’s a good thing!

I talk about a few examples in this short video:

 

I know some dads give off aromas that no one should have to share or remember—and talking about smells at all might be risky. But I know that just as you remember how your dad smelled, you can leave your own powerful and lasting impressions by letting your kids be close to you—close enough to take in the feel of your cheek and yes, even your smell.

This was confirmed by something a dad wrote as part of our Father of the Year Contest. Check out his words:

Tell [your children] they are loved. Hold them close; let them know what you smell like. I listened to my wife describe what she liked about me when we met. She said I smelled like her dad working around the farm when she was growing up. [And] that brought back good memories for her. I hear my daughter say the same things. When I’ve put in a long day and I think I smell my worst, my daughter still hugs me.

Isn’t that amazing? This man’s wife was affected that strongly by how he smelled when they were dating, because she had good memories associated with the way her dad smelled. Even our smell as dads has a powerful and lasting effect on our children.

how to be a father 6-14I’m not saying you should avoid the shower or anything; make sure you aren’t torturing anyone. But don’t hesitate to hug on your kids just because it’s been a long day or you’ve been working outside.

So there’s your action point for the day—or maybe the month. Keep pulling your kids close. They probably won’t show it, but they really do thrive on your bear hugs, your squeezes on the shoulder, your physical touch. Children have a profound need for physical contact with their dads. Their self-esteem blossoms when we nurture them appropriately.

At Father’s Day, I can’t help thinking second about the millions of boys and girls who never get a hug from their father. Don’t take those opportunities for granted. Pull your kids nice and close.

Do you have specific memories of your dad that are associated with a smell? I’d love to see them—and I’m sure other dads would, too. Please leave a comment either below or on our Facebook page.

Action Points for Dads on the Journey

  • Be intentional about physical affection with your children. Hug and kiss them; hold them in your arms; include lots of loving physical contact as you interact and play together. Put your arm on their shoulder. Start a good tickle fight.
  • Ask your kids to suggest a cologne they like that you could start wearing—or go shopping with them to find one.
  • On Father’s Day, encourage and bless your children based on their unique interests, activities, and accomplishments. Here are some more specific ideas for how to do that from our friend, blogger Clark Smith.
  • Make Father’s Day a time to recommit yourself to being the father your children need. We’re here to help! Get our free ebook on meeting your children’s needs—or my book, Championship Fathering.
  • Be sure to honor your dad (or another father figure in your life) this weekend. Recognizing him as a good role model; thank him for his work ethic; mention memories from your childhood. If you can, tell him, “I love you.”

 

Carey CaseyCarey Casey is the CEO of the National Center for Fathering, a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the culture of fathering in America by enlisting 6.5 million fathers who to make the Championship Fathering Commitment. NCF believes that every child needs a dad they can count on, and uses its resources to inspire and equip men to be the involved fathers, grandfathers and father figures their children need. Subscribe to his weekly email tip by clicking here: “Yes! I want tips on how to be a great dad who loves, coaches, mentors, and inspires my children.

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How to Have Quality Time with Your Kids

June 6, 2013 By 4 Comments

 

Leading up to Father’s Day, there’s a national campaign to remind fathers of the important role they play in their children’s lives. It’s being promoted by the White House and various fathering groups, and it uses a common phrase for its slogan: quality time.

I endorse this, because we need dads embracing their roles, spending time with their kids, and making memories together. And time is one of the most important, basic commitments that a father makes. Quality time with your kids is a great goal.

At the same time, I hope that term doesn’t give you the wrong idea as you strive to be a good dad …

Here at the Center, we have found that most of the great dads we interact with—the dads who really get it when it comes to being there for their kids—are not talking about quality time. They know that it doesn’t usually work to schedule quality time. Most often, the quality time is unexpected—it just happens when you’re practicing a sport, riding in the car or eating a meal together, investing quantity time in the relationship with your kids.

How to be a father 6-7If you think about it, “quality time” is an adult concept; we want to get the most done in a given time period, and in relationships it adds an extra layer of pressure and expectations.

I know what dads do; I’ve done it myself. We tell our children we wish we could spend more time with them. We wish we could sit down and play a game of Monopoly or Ping-Pong. We wish we could take them to the park and push them on the swing. But right now, we can’t. Our schedules are just too tight. Then we try to make up for it by doing something special.

Usually, when I hear dads talk about “quality time,” it’s like they’re making an excuse. It’s difficult for them to give their kids a lot of time, so with the time they do have, they want to make sure it’s meaningful. And when kids hear that phrase, they could easily get the message that they aren’t worth more than five or ten minutes of their father’s day.

It’s like approaching your daughter and saying, “Okay, I have a few free minutes. Let’s have a conversation and really connect.” Sounds ridiculous, right? A better plan is to spend a lot of time with her; then you’ll probably be available when those times arise. Those conversations often occur when a father and child are just “hanging out.” And in either case, those moments can’t happen unless we’ve built a strong relationship during the everyday, unstructured times during day-to-day life.

I urge you to think about “quality time” from your children’s perspective. To them, what time with you is not quality time? They don’t make that distinction. Spending an hour shooting baskets, or building a Lego castle, or working on a geometry homework assignment with your child may not seem like a big deal to you. But your kids cherish those moments.

There’s a powerful example of this from history, found in two short diary entries describing the same day’s events. Charles Adams, the son of President John Adams, wrote this: “Went fishing with my son today—a day wasted.” The same day, his son Brook wrote this in his diary: “Went fishing today with my father—the most wonderful day of my life.”

Our children want to know that they’re important enough for their fathers to commit time in their schedule and say, “It’s just you and me.” Even if it doesn’t end up being what you might consider quality time, it still could be for your child.

There are no secret weapons here; it’s just a matter of putting in the time. Once you’re together, good things will happen. So read a book together. Play a game. Go for a walk or a bike ride. Do a puzzle. Include your kids in your projects and errands to the hardware store or supermarket. Let them help with some tasks and projects around the house. Chances are your child will have plenty of ideas for what you can do together.

To be clear: you can and should plan special events and activities with your children. But connecting with them is more about investing quantity time and making a quality effort by giving them your full attention as often as you can. Make the most of your opportunities to connect with them whether you’re fishing or fixing dinner together, whether you’re playing laser tag or playing Candyland for the tenth time that day. That’s when the so-called “quality” moments are more likely to happen.

Dad, invest your time and energy to be the father your children need. That’s a daddy’s calling and privilege.

Action Points for Dads on the Journey

  • Being a great dad starts with being there … showing up … getting involved. Find one more way to be involved in your children’s lives this week.
  • Keep being faithful in the everyday responsibilities that too often get taken for granted: going to work to provide for your family; helping with a project; tucking in before bed; fixing a meal; attending games and lessons, etc.
  • Put more thought into making everyday activities more fun for your kids. A trip to the grocery store can become a treasure hunt; an everyday chore like doing dishes or setting the table can be more fun if you make up silly songs about the activity.
  • Whenever your child is talking to you, make the effort to stop what you’re doing, get down on her level, and really listen.
  • Before you walk in the door after work, take a few minutes to gather yourself, release stress, and adjust your attitude. Be ready to focus fully on your kids.
  • Start the habit of sending your child short, affirming texts at various times in the day.

Please share your thoughts. When have you found “quality” moments with your kids in unexpected places? You can leave a comment below or on our Facebook page.

 

Carey CaseyCarey Casey is the CEO of the National Center for Fathering, a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the culture of fathering in America by enlisting 6.5 million fathers who to make the Championship Fathering Commitment. NCF believes that every child needs a dad they can count on, and uses its resources to inspire and equip men to be the involved fathers, grandfathers and father figures their children need. Subscribe to his weekly email tip by clicking here: “Yes! I want tips on how to be a great dad who loves, coaches, mentors, and inspires my children.

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How to Be a Dad Who Turns Difficulties into Blessings

May 30, 2013 By 2 Comments

 

How is fathering a child with special needs a “privilege”?

Rob is a veteran father of four whose oldest child has Down Syndrome. Recently we were both in a group of dads, and Rob made this startling statement…

He said that, despite all the physical, emotional and financial stresses, “If any of you ever get the privilege [of having a Down Syndrome child], it’s the greatest gift to your family, because it creates the sensitivity and the awareness of others that kids just don’t have…. It was a real gift to us; it made all our kids more compassionate, more aware, more sensitive.”

How to Be a Dad Who Turns Difficulties into BlessingsDid you catch that? Having a special-needs child made Rob and his entire family more perceptive about the needs of each other as well as people outside their family, and now they are more willing and able to jump in and help someone when they see an opportunity. They are better people because they were part of a family going through unusual circumstances.

Now, I know Rob made those comments with a bit of trepidation. He doesn’t wish difficulties on any other dads, and I wouldn’t either.

On the other hand, who defines what is a difficulty and what is a benefit or blessing? Do we look just at our own convenience? Or our long-held hopes and dreams? Or should we try to see things more from a larger perspective—where life isn’t about pursuing happiness, but rather making the world a little better for those around us?

And that goes for our kids, too! Maybe the best condition for them to become mature and responsible isn’t a life where everything works out great and there are no challenges. Maybe dealing with unexpected surprises and trials is the best way to grow. (And we know that meeting challenges also prepares us to help others to face those same challenges.)

In our family, one of my children experienced struggles in school and was found to have a mild learning disability. Not a major trial, but it set me back for a while. And it wasn’t long before those more self-centered thoughts turned to love and concern for my child. My consuming thoughts were: Hey, this is my time to step up. I have to be a father. I need to be there for my child!

Ever since then, I keep growing in admiration and respect for dads who have special-needs children and step up to the challenge. If you have children with similar issues—like autism, Down Syndrome, a life-threatening disease or something else—I know you’re very familiar with this. It’s often dads like you who set the mark and help us define what it means to be a committed dad. When the needs of your child required some extra sacrifices, you stepped up. You put your child’s needs before your own, and you’ve never regretted it.

For the rest of us who face the routine rigors of being a dad—but aren’t facing the overwhelming exhaustion of raising a child with more pronounced disabilities—I would say: Dad, take a page from the playbook of the most committed dads you know. Make the radical decision to sacrifice your own desires and goals for the sake of your children.

And then: no matter what your children’s gifts, abilities, and weaknesses may be, cherish them for who they are. Be flexible, and grow with them. Let them teach you what it means to be a committed father.

Action Points for Dads on the Journey

  • Coach your children through situations they perceive as trials. When they complain, help them see a different perspective and challenge them to step up and meet the task head on.
  • Remember that you set the tone for your family. Stay positive during challenges; inject hope and humor into your family life; your wife and children will follow your lead.
  • Be ready to adjust to your child’s unique situation and find new ways to interact with him or her. Maybe your child needs more physical affection, or more verbal interaction. (Talk about the specifics with his or her mom.)
  • If you’re married, continue to invest yourself fully in that relationship. Difficulties with a child so often lead couples to withdraw and eventually divorce. Get whatever help you need to maintain a strong marriage; it’s a huge benefit to your children.
  • It’s critical to have other men who will support you through challenges—similar to the group I was in with Rob. Find another dad who’s been through your situation, and ask him lots of questions.

What about you, dad? How have you become a better dad—or how has your family changed for the better—because of a trial or challenge you’ve been through? Please leave a comment below or on our Facebook page. You can encourage another dad who may be going through that difficulty right now.

 

Carey CaseyCarey Casey is the CEO of the National Center for Fathering, a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the culture of fathering in America by enlisting 6.5 million fathers who to make the Championship Fathering Commitment. NCF believes that every child needs a dad they can count on, and uses its resources to inspire and equip men to be the involved fathers, grandfathers and father figures their children need. Subscribe to his weekly email tip by clicking here: “Yes! I want tips on how to be a great dad who loves, coaches, mentors, and inspires my children.

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Dad, Start a New Habit, Like One-on-one Time

May 23, 2013 By Leave a Comment

 

I have a Father’s Day challenge for you this week. (I’m giving you some lead time to think about how you can apply it.)

Here it is: Start one new habit that will make a difference with your family.

Think about one change you can make that will benefit your children or bring you closer to them, and then let Father’s Day be a time when you make a strong resolution to be that dad going forward.

Let me give you one example of the power this can have. This comes from a dad and granddad named Gary who read the guest blog from a few weeks back about dating your daughter, and he sent us this story.

It started two decades ago, when Gary attended a fathering seminar presented by our founder, Dr. Ken Canfield. After the seminar, Gary was inspired to start a new habit with his two kids: regular one-on-one lunch dates with his daughter and his son at least once a month. Through the years, he was faithful with those monthly lunch dates—not perfect, but he kept them going.

How to Be a Better Father Start a New Habit Like One-on-one TimeNow, I know that’s nothing earth-shattering or over-the-top creative, but it’s a great idea, and one you might want to try. One-on-one time is extremely valuable in a world that’s getting way too busy—for dads and kids. The two of you get a chance to escape the frenzy of life and talk about anything from serious to silly. If you’re a man of faith, maybe you would want to include a prayer for your child and his or her future.

I think you’ll find that your child will look forward to that time with you. Kids open up more and relate differently when it’s just the two of you. It doesn’t have to break the budget either. On a nice day, a brown bag lunch in the park is a great option. (See the Action Points below for more specific suggestions.)

To finish Gary’s story, his kids are now in their early thirties. His daughter is married and has two children of her own, and they still live nearby, so Gary still has a regular “lunch date” with her.

And that’s cool, but you know what’s even better? Gary’s daughter’s husband is doing it, too! Inspired by his father-in-law, he takes his 7-year-old daughter out to lunch on Saturdays.

And not long ago, Gary’s son and his bride had their first child, a baby boy. Already this new dad is talking about starting a “lunch time” with his son—just like Gary did for all those years and still does today.

This is the kind of thing I get excited about, because I believe this is an example of how, little by little, Championship Fathering will change the world for the better. Simple, everyday acts of love and commitment really make a difference in your family.

So, what habit can you start as a father this year that could become a pattern, a way of life, and maybe even be carried on in the next generation? Or maybe you’re already doing something that could inspire other dads. Please let us (and other dads) know by leaving a comment below or on our Facebook page.

Action Points for Dads on the Journey

  • Schedule these regular one-on-one times with your child. Don’t let your good intentions fall to the side when other, supposedly more urgent matters come along.
  • Lunch works great with most girls and some boys, but often boys communicate better “sideways”—when they’re next to you while doing an activity. So consider making that part of your regular time together.
  • Whatever your one-on-one time looks like with your child, think about doing it somewhere other than home. Changing the setting can help your child relax and open up more.
  • If necessary—like with teenagers—fit into their schedule. If lunch doesn’t work, do an early breakfast or late-night ice cream run.
  • Even if you don’t spend much (or any) money on these outings, find ways to make them special, so your child looks forward to it each time.

 

Carey CaseyCarey Casey is the CEO of the National Center for Fathering, a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the culture of fathering in America by enlisting 6.5 million fathers who to make the Championship Fathering Commitment. NCF believes that every child needs a dad they can count on, and uses its resources to inspire and equip men to be the involved fathers, grandfathers and father figures their children need. Subscribe to his weekly email tip by clicking here: “Yes! I want tips on how to be a great dad who loves, coaches, mentors, and inspires my children.

Filed Under: Carey Casey, Championship Fathering, Everyday Heroes, How to be a Good Dad, Inspirational Stories, Tips for Dads Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Being a Committed Dad is “Far Past Amazing”

May 16, 2013 By Leave a Comment

 

Here at the Center, we consider it “Father’s Day season” as soon as Mother’s Day is over. Among other things, our staff is finishing up interviews with dads and making arrangements for celebration events in several areas of the country related to our Father of the Year Essay Contests.

These contests give kids opportunities to write about their dads, and we’re always amazed at the remarkable, heartfelt things they write. We probably don’t pass along the great essays often enough.

So, even though we’re still a month out from Father’s Day, I want to share one girl’s essay to help you start getting in the right frame of mind—not so you can swell up with pride, but so you can make this “season” a time to recommit yourself to be the father your children really need.

How to be a good dadAs you might know, our purpose is to inspire and equip dads. But I’ll tell you up front, this week is pure inspiration. I think you’ll agree.

In this essay, a 6th grader named Abigail does a wonderful job of capturing the love and appreciation kids feel for their dads, like what your child surely feels for you.

So, just soak this in today. Abigail writes:

My dad makes me feel loved. I can always count on my dad. He makes me laugh so hard…. Most of the time, my dad’s actions speak louder than life.

My dad is a short, stubby man, but his smile goes from the east to the west. He makes really, really bad jokes, but we always laugh. He acts sometimes, [imitates] singers, and even tries to dance. But he makes his imitations really bad on purpose to make us laugh. He laughs at things I say even if they’re not meant to be funny. That makes me laugh.

My dad has all the qualities of a great guy. He’s so truthful, honorable, and trustworthy. I can always count on him. He even understands what I’m talking about most of the time.

My dad sees everyone for who they are. He won’t judge people but always learns their personalities first. He helps people he doesn’t know, and he’s always nice to strangers. My dad is kind and always helpful.

My dad is awesome, fantastic, and phenomenal. I love my dad. He’s far from perfect, but far past amazing.

Now, after reading this, I was humbled as a dad. And two things came to mind that challenged me:

First, it reminded me that our kids are always watching us. They see the good and the not-so-good in our lives. They know we’re far from perfect. And we never know what will register in their minds as significant or even life-changing. That’s the power and the great responsibility of our modeling.

And second, I hope this draws out the best in you as a dad, like it does in me. Like Abigail’s dad, we make a difference when we make our kids laugh, show kindness to people, and prove ourselves to be trustworthy. Our general disposition has a powerful effect on our children—whether they are tiny infants or teens whom we may have to look up to. Be a joyful father, and let it show!

Fatherhood is a high calling, and something to live up to. I hope you’ll find ways to be “far past amazing” for your kids today.

Action Points for Dads on the Journey

  • Do something crazy to have fun with your kids and make them laugh. Do karaoke. Start a water fight, or a pillow fight, or a food fight! Play dress up. Have a whistling contest after eating saltine crackers. Use your own idea. (Then let us know how it went.)
  • Write an essay about how much you appreciate each of your children, and show it to them (or save it for Father’s Day).
  • What would your children say is your biggest weakness as a dad? (If you don’t know, ask them!) Be intentional about working on that area during the next month … and beyond.
  • How do you treat restaurant servers and other people in service positions during day-to-day interactions? Remember, your children are always watching and learning.
  • Come up with a “Father’s Day wish list” that includes a lot of activities with family and gifts of time—along with or instead of expensive gadgets.

What challenges you about this essay? Or, when have you been inspired or challenged as a dad because of something your child said or wrote to you? Please let us (and other dads) know by leaving a comment below or on our Facebook page.

 

Carey CaseyCarey Casey is the CEO of the National Center for Fathering, a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the culture of fathering in America by enlisting 6.5 million fathers who to make the Championship Fathering Commitment. NCF believes that every child needs a dad they can count on, and uses its resources to inspire and equip men to be the involved fathers, grandfathers and father figures their children need. Subscribe to his weekly email tip by clicking here: “Yes! I want tips on how to be a great dad who loves, coaches, mentors, and inspires my children.

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Dad, You Influence How Your Daughter Sees Herself

May 9, 2013 By 1 Comment

 

How does your daughter see herself? How about your wife? I wrote about something similar last month, but this deserves more attention.

There’s a fascinating video put out by Dove—aimed at women—that explores the idea, “You’re more beautiful than you think you are.” Before I continue, watch the video. (It’s really worth 6 minutes of your time.)

 

I’m not in the target audience for this campaign, but as a father it was eye-opening for sure. I have to ask myself, If my daughter described herself for a sketch artist, how would that drawing turn out—and how would it be different if I described her?

I’ll probably never fully understand the pressures girls and women feel in our culture related to their appearance, and how that affects their self-image. But a few things I know without a doubt:

Physical appearance is a big deal to girls and women. And with the way they are portrayed in the media, they surely feel very little room to be less-than-perfect when it comes to their faces and their figures. And focusing on any perceived flaws impacts how they feel about themselves as people. None of us would want our wives or daughters to feel that way, but it’s easy to understand why they would.

I say it’s tragic, because appearances don’t reflect the real character of a person.

It also reminds me that our wives and daughters are probably less secure than what they may show. If they seem confident and cheerful, that doesn’t mean they don’t need plenty of affirmation from us! As husbands and fathers, we have a lot of influence on how the women in our lives view themselves, and we need to be all about affirming them—many times, every day.

How does your daughter see herself how to be a good dadI won’t say affirming their physical appearance isn’t important. It is, for sure. But we should focus even more on affirming our wives and daughters in terms of their character and what they mean to us. That helps to build them up inside, and fosters the kind of inner strength that helps them maintain a high self-worth no matter what other signals they’re getting from the culture. (This is also important to remember as you seek to affirm your mother this weekend!)

The Dove campaign is powerful and insightful … and as fathers, it should motivate us even more to help our children focus on the right things. Ultimately, don’t we all want our kids to learn to place less value on a person’s appearance and more on what’s inside—a person’s heart?

We can play a big role in this area, and once again, let me point you to our ebook, 5 Things Every Child MUST Get from Dad, which goes into detail about five things your daughter needs from you, and five things your son needs. One section in the ebook hits today’s topic very well:

Go ahead and compliment your daughter when she has taken care to look attractive, just as you would a son who has intentionally spent time making sure he looks handsome. But more important is your ability to compliment her other qualities, like emotional strength, sense of humor, loyalty, intelligence, and courage. Make it clear that what you love most about your daughter are her non-physical qualities, and that even without her physical features, you would still love her just as much.

If you haven’t yet, you should download the ebook and read more about ways to show love and affirmation to your daughter.

But don’t let your response end with reading something—this blog or our ebook or something else. Do something! Start a new habit in the way you express affirmation to your daughter—and your son.

Action Points for Dads on the Journey

  • Talk with your children about what makes a person “attractive.” How much of it is purely physical, and how much is about character?
  • Have three or four specific virtues in mind for the next week—such as loyalty, courage, kindness, and respect. Really look for those in your child and be ready to point out examples you see.
  • Be creative and make sacrifices if necessary to find a shared activity that you and your daughter both enjoy. Make plans to do it regularly.
  • Make it clear to your bride and your children that your love and commitment to them will never change, and has nothing to do with their physical appearance.
  • Set an example and join your children in healthy activities—walking, running, or some other exercise.

 

What are your reactions to the Dove video? How do you affirm your daughter for her inner beauty? Leave a comment either below or on our Facebook page.

You can see more about Dove’s “Real Beauty Sketches” project here.

 

Carey CaseyCarey Casey is the CEO of the National Center for Fathering, a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the culture of fathering in America by enlisting 6.5 million fathers who to make the Championship Fathering Commitment. NCF believes that every child needs a dad they can count on, and uses its resources to inspire and equip men to be the involved fathers, grandfathers and father figures their children need. Subscribe to his weekly email tip by clicking here: “Yes! I want tips on how to be a great dad who loves, coaches, mentors, and inspires my children.

 

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Committed Fathering: 2 Lessons at the Supermarket

May 2, 2013 By 3 Comments

 

What can you learn about fathering from a trip to the supermarket?

One thing I know is that life is full of mundane events. And as fathers, one of our tasks is to make the best of them for our families.

How to Be a Good Dad Lessons at the Supermarket

One of my recent trips to the grocery store is a good example. That’s about as mundane as it gets. But my experience that day brings up two lessons that we can use with our families.

Why was I going to the store? Because my bride Melanie said we were out of creamer for our morning coffee. She sets the machine to have the coffee ready when she wakes up, and she likes having different creamer flavors to add to it. Well, that morning she woke up and we were all out. And it was clear that she wanted some.

At first, I was thinking: Go to the store just for creamer? Can’t we get by one day drinking it black, or having something else? It really wasn’t a necessity, and I knew that she knew that!

Then after a minute, I paused and caught myself. I grabbed keys and my teenage son Chance, and we headed to the store. I figure with all she does for me, the least I can do is drive to the store for something she enjoys.

So, lesson number one, dad: serve your family members … your bride if your married, and your kids for sure. Remind yourself how much they mean to you, and take advantage of every opportunity to demonstrate that.

After we got to the store, I couldn’t help noticing the expressionless looks on all the people’s faces there. They were just going through the motions, not speaking, rather be someplace else, stressed out or whatever. As Chance and I pushed the cart along, that really struck me.

So I reminded Chance about a game I used to play with him at the store. When he was small I would put him up in the cart and give him a challenge: “Daddy will give you a dollar for every person you get to smile.”

So he’d be hanging over the side and staring at people with a big grin on his face, and then he learned to do all kinds of wacky tricks to get people’s attention. He got rich in the process.

I gave him the same offer that day and he earned a few bucks, but he’s sixteen now and more worried about being embarrassed, and a dollar doesn’t make it quite as exciting as it used to. Still, I think Chance will agree that lesson number two is worth remembering: find ways to inject joy and laughter into your children’s lives, even if you bribe them!

As you know, family life has a lot of mundane moments. But I’m convinced that how you carry yourself during those times can have a huge impact on your family. Keep making the most of every day!

Action Points for Dads on the Journey

  • Do a mundane task or errand for your wife and/or children simply because you appreciate the fact that they are in your life.
  • Get in the habit of asking your wife—every day—“What can I do for you?”
  • Challenge your child to do something silly that will bring a smile to someone’s face. (Pay him for it if you want to.)
  • Let your child dare you to do something that will bring a smile to his face—even if you risk being embarrassed.
  • Come up with something new and unusual that you and your child can do together regularly. Have him or her help you brainstorm. Ask, “What have you wanted to try that we’ve never done?”

I know dads are great at bringing laughter and silliness to everyday situations. How do you do this for your kids? Leave a comment either below or on our Facebook page.

 

Carey Casey is the CEO of the National Center for Fathering, a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the culture of fathering in America by enlisting 6.5 million fathers who to make the Championship Fathering Commitment. NCF believes that every child needs a dad they can count on, and uses its resources to inspire and equip men to be the involved fathers, grandfathers and father figures their children need. Subscribe to his weekly email tip by clicking here: “Yes! I want tips on how to be a great dad who loves, coaches, mentors, and inspires my children.

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Daddy-Daughter Date Ideas for Committed Dads – Guest Blog

April 25, 2013 By 2 Comments


Jay PayleitnerFriends, this week I’m featuring a guest blog from Jay Payleitner—a best-selling author, speaker, and good friend of the National Center for Fathering who has written a new book called 52 Things Daughters Need from Their Dads. This blog was adapted from one of the 52 chapters, and I think you’ll agree he has some fantastic practical ideas that will be helpful to you. (And if you only have sons, you can figure out ways to adapt these ideas, too.)

 

A note to dads who really like the idea of “dating your daughter,” but don’t know where to start:

Guys, you’re probably making it more complicated than it has to be.

The idea is simply to enter her world and enjoy your time together. You can’t force deep, meaningful, life-changing conversations. But if you keep showing up … they’ll happen. And you’ll be glad you were there.

If she’s a toddler, it’s pretty easy. Ten minutes lying in the grass, rustling in the leaves or making snow angels.

How to Be a Good DadIf she’s five, it’s still pretty easy. Invest a half hour or so and go ahead and start calling your time together a “date.” Go for ice cream. McDs. Donuts and juice. A bike ride around the block. The idea is to be intentional about leaving the house—just you and her. Of course, you should still spend time goofing with your little girl in the driveway with a hula hoop, basketball, bubbles or sidewalk chalk. But a date should probably have a plan and a destination.

About third grade or so, start thinking about kicking it up a notch. Movie dates, lunch dates, library dates. To make sure it becomes a habit, try connecting your daddy-daughter dates with her other scheduled activities. Pick her up after a practice or rehearsal and stop some place on the way home. Maybe take a class together. If you’re really gutsy, do something girls typically do with their moms like pottery painting, jewelry making or calligraphy.

Do stuff she likes. Do stuff you like. Window shopping. Mini golf. Frisbee golf. Visit a museum. Visit a pet store. (Pet a puppy, talk to a parrot or buy a reptile without mom’s permission.) Go ice skating. Visit an apple orchard. Make a pie. Go horseback riding. Bowling. Birdwatching. Browsing a bookstore. And don’t think that only boys can enjoy sports. Take your daughter to an NFL, NHL, MLB, or NBA game. Or save a few bucks and go to a minor league or semi-pro game. Each time, remember to thank her “for the date.”

One annual date you don’t want to miss is the daddy-daughter dance presented by your church, school, or park district. You might even make it a double date with your daughter’s best friend and her dad. That’s a chance to connect with another dad—which is always a good thing—and see how your daughter interacts with her peers.

Once you’ve established your daddy-daughter date routine, look for a chance to add one more strategic lesson: In the middle of your time together, hope something goes terribly wrong. The bowling alley is overbooked with leagues. The restaurant wait is 90 minutes. The skating rink is closed for repairs. A flat tire. Ants at the picnic. You lock your keys in the car.

With any of these minor catastrophes, you have a wonderful opportunity to demonstrate patience, resourcefulness, and a sense of humor. These are all traits your daughter should expect in any fellow who takes her out. Of course, I’m not suggesting you orchestrate any near calamities on your daddy-daughter dates, but I’m not ruling it out either.

Here’s the point. The primary purpose of dating your daughter is making memories and cementing your lifetime connection. But there’s another huge benefit to showing up on time, opening her car door, treating her with respect, and handling any mishaps with grace and a smile…

You’re modeling for your daughter the way any boy should act when she goes out on any date at any time.

If and when some “unworthy weasel” takes her out, she won’t put up with any nonsense because her dad—that’s you—taught her how a gentleman acts on a date.

Finally, when your daughter does start dating boys her own age, that doesn’t mean your dates with her should stop. Actually, that’s the season in life when you want to spend more time with her, not less. You may have to work a little harder to get on her busy social calendar. But if you ask nicely, she just might fit you in.

Oh yeah. Dad, don’t forget to date your wife, too.

Five Bonus Strategies for Entering Your Teenage Daughter’s World

Give yourself a mutual mission. Asking a young person’s opinion is surprising and empowering. “For Christmas, should I get mom the amethyst or opal earrings?” “What should we do for Grampa’s birthday this year?’ “We need some new patio chairs. What are your thoughts?”

Treat her as an authority. Suddenly, she’s the teacher and you’re the student. “Hey, Sara, can I send a photo on my iPhone that’s 1.8 megabytes?” “I’m designing a flyer for the block party, can you take a look at this font?” “Bill from work wants to recommend some summer reading for his daughter who’s eight. Any ideas?”

Volunteer at an event. Initially, she may not be happy that you signed up for that chaperone assignment, church event or fundraiser. But if you don’t embarrass her and stay in your assigned zone, she’ll be glad you’re there. Also, make sure you give her plenty of notice. “The Zimmermans asked us to help out at the Christmas dance. I guess we’re in charge of the punch bowl.” “Just letting you know, I’m driving one of the vans for the weekend retreat. And I’m staying in the boy’s cabin.”

Get her attention. Figure out what middle school girls like – specifically your daughter and her friends – and give it to her. “Let’s get a puppy.” “Don’t know what got into me, but I bought a Groupon for horseback riding.” “When that movie comes out from that book you read, let’s take some of your friends to the midnight show.” “Pizza’s here!”

Tell her you miss her. If you haven’t had a good conversation in a couple weeks, you’re both feeling the same way. “Hey kiddo. We have both been so busy, let’s do something this weekend. Maybe brunch after church. Or we could go to the flea market. What’s your schedule?” “You know, I’m reading a book for dads of daughters and it says I’m supposed to ask you out on a date. So pick a night. Any night!”

 

Thanks, Jay!

Dad, what ideas do you have to add? Every father-child relationship is different. What are your secrets for bonding with your daughter—or your son? Please join the discussion by leaving a message either below or on our Facebook page.
52 Things Daughters Need from Their Dads

You can check out Jay’s book right here.

 

 

 

Carey CaseyCarey Casey is the CEO of the National Center for Fathering, a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the culture of fathering in America by enlisting 6.5 million fathers who to make the Championship Fathering Commitment. NCF believes that every child needs a dad they can count on, and uses its resources to inspire and equip men to be the involved fathers, grandfathers and father figures their children need. Subscribe to his weekly email tip by clicking here: “Yes! I want tips on how to be a great dad who loves, coaches, mentors, and inspires my children.

 

 

 

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Be a ‘Home Run’ Dad: Instill Confidence in Your Kids

April 18, 2013 By 1 Comment

 

I really identify with this scene from the new movie Home Run—which opens today (4/19) in theaters.

The main character, Corey Brand, is a baseball star who gets suspended by his team for character issues, and his agent sends him back to his childhood home to put his life and his reputation back together. As part of the deal, she volunteers him to coach a local youth baseball team.

This scene shows a breakthrough between Corey, as coach, and a boy who lacks confidence at the plate:

 

Now, why do I identify so much with this clip? Because I grew up playing football and other sports, and I know the power of a coach’s positive words. That’s part of the reason why the Championship Fathering fundamental of coaching is so powerful for me. I had the privilege of learning from some great men who coached me.

Now that I’m in my fifties, it’s amazing to think about the knowledge and life skills they were transferring to me and the other players all those years ago.

I think about times when a coach did something like Corey does in this clip … he pulled me over to the sideline, looked me in the eye and spoke from the heart. He knew I could do better, and in the heat of competition he wanted to send a clear message. I’m not sure I always listened as well as I should have.

There were other times I remember from playing football in high school. I used to run back punts and kick-offs, and I can vividly remember a few times when our team was behind or in a close game, and our coach instilled great confidence in me through his words. As I waited there for the kick-off, I would hear him say, “We need one, Carey. Run it back for us.” He showed that he was depending on me, and his words helped me focus and dig a little deeper, reaching for excellence.

That’s how I see myself when I’m coaching my children—from my teenage son to my adult kids and their spouses, and even my grandkids. I’m aware of my responsibility in this area, and it affects how I talk to them, how I touch them, and how I hold them—how intentional I am when I’m with them.

And even if you aren’t into sports that much, you probably received some encouragement from people along the way, and it made a difference for you.

That’s also what I challenge you to do in your fathering—use the power of positive words to your children’s benefit. We have to constantly be thinking about the fact that we’re transferring knowledge and instilling confidence in our children.

That’s what coaches do, and as men who want to be Championship Fathers and coach our children to be all they can be, it’s what we should all be striving for as dads.

ACTION POINTS for Dads on the Journey

  • Place your hands on your child’s shoulders and look him or her right in the eye, then affirm something you’ve noticed that he or she has done. Or simply say, “I love you,” or, “I’m proud of you.”
  • When giving your child instructions, also seek to instill confidence. Say, “I believe in you,” or, “You can do this.”
  • What’s your tone of voice usually like when talking to your child? Make sure you aren’t coming off as sarcastic, irritated, bothered, or disappointed. (Those really aren’t motivating for kids.)
  • Give your child a task that will help the family in some way. Give hands-on instruction if necessary, and encourage him. Kids need to feel necessary and important.
  • Watch your words—especially when dealing with a heated issue with your child. Avoid statements like, “What are you thinking!?” or “Can’t you do anything right?”

How did a coach, teacher or parent inspire you during your youth? And how do you try to do this regularly for your children? Please join the discussion by leaving a message either below or on our Facebook page.

 

Carey CaseyCarey Casey is the CEO of the National Center for Fathering, a nonprofit organization dedicated to changing the culture of fathering in America by enlisting 6.5 million fathers who to make the Championship Fathering Commitment. NCF believes that every child needs a dad they can count on, and uses its resources to inspire and equip men to be the involved fathers, grandfathers and father figures their children need. Subscribe to his weekly email tip by clicking here: “Yes! I want tips on how to be a great dad who loves, coaches, mentors, and inspires my children.

Filed Under: Carey Casey, Championship Fathering, Everyday Heroes, How to be a Good Dad, Inspirational Stories, Tips for Dads Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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